Category: Sardonic Side

Tarpon Springs police didn’t look good after accounts of a crackdown on gambling were picked up by national media. Seems that police were investigating the manager of Tarpon Springs’ municipal golf course over the practice of golf wagers. Officials, however, said it was more than that. A city employee at a city-owned golf course was both overseeing wagers as well as raffling off a set of golf clubs.

“The focus of the investigation was on a city employee possibly being involved in illegal gambling activities,” explained Tarpon Springs police Capt. Jeffrey Young. “You have to draw the line somewhere. Who knows where it could lead? Maybe March Madness office pools at City Hall.”

Tarpon Springs police didn’t look good after accounts of a crackdown on gambling were picked up by national media. Seems that police were investigating the manager of Tarpon Springs’ municipal golf course over the practice of golf wagers. Officials, however, said it was more than that. A city employee at a city-owned golf course was both overseeing wagers as well as raffling off a set of golf clubs.

“The focus of the investigation was on a city employee possibly being involved in illegal gambling activities,” explained Tarpon Springs police Capt. Jeffrey Young. “You have to draw the line somewhere. Who knows where it could lead? Maybe March Madness office pools at City Hall.”

* “This president thought he could shape global events by the sheer force of his personality. How naive. How vain. We need a leader who’s not laid back and ‘intellectual.’ Somebody who can get in the face of Putin and Maduro. Somebody like, well, me. Calculation, charisma, duplicity–and more nukes than anybody else–has never mattered more. You don’t bring a knife to a gun fight.”–Florida Sen. Marco Rubio at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington.

* “If you want to lose elections, stand for nothing. If you want to be on another losing Republican ticket, stand next to me.”–Texas Sen. Ted Cruz at CPAC.

*”Howdy, everybody. You remember me:  I’m Rick Perry, the telegenic, down-home, nearly well-spoken version of Rick Scott.”–Texas Gov. Rick Perry at CPAC.

* “Don’t forget, we are the party, the only party, that had a woman on the presidential ticket this century. We are the only party with enough guts to say: ‘Gender doesn’t matter. If we find a woman who is every bit as ill-informed, clueless, self-serving and ideologically pandering as a man, why should she not have a shot at the ticket?'”–Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann at CPAC.

*No surprise that the Tampa Tribune is giving significant exposure to the financial challenges over at the Tampa Bay Times. And it’s hardly shocking that it’s not exactly page-one fodder for the Times.

According to company memos posted online, the Times is offering buy-outs to workers in advance of layoffs. Word is copy editors are among the targeted positions. A Times spokeswoman, Jounice Nealy-Brown, put the increasingly pressing issue of quality-control into perspective in a statement.

“Were finding sum ways to improve r results without compromising r quantity,” wrote Nealy-Brown. “We want to support the coleagues who’s jobs will be effected.”

Gov. Rick Scott, as it turns out, has been increasingly shielding details of his public travel itinerary, especially in the last year. Certainly much more so than his immediate predecessors, Charlie Crist, Jeb Bush and Lawton Chiles, did.

It’s quite legal and a function of a records exemption that protects Florida Department of Law Enforcement “surveillance techniques” from publication. It’s the FDLE that is charged with Scott’s security.

It’s a matter of philosophy, noted FDLE Deputy Commissioner Mark Zadra. “Some of them are more security conscious than others.”

“Times have changed, especially after 9/11, and you have to be extra careful about security,” explained Adam Hollingsworth, Scott’s chief of staff. “But I will concede one irony. Those that are considered the biggest security risks–the ‘crazies,’ the ‘haters’ and the locked-and-loaded ideologues–they’re actually Scott supporters.”

*Earlier this week seven CNN journalists were ordered out of Venezuela after President Nicolás Maduro criticized their coverage of anti-government protests and called them “fascists.” In response, CNN President Jeff Zucker called the ousters: “Outrageous. It’s a dark day for democracy and transparency in Venezuela. …’Fascists’? How dare they!”

Also weighing in was Fox News Channel President Roger Ailes. “Maduro is a moron,” said Ailes. “CNN is still left of center. If anybody’s a fascist, it’s us.”

*As some of us have already noticed, that is, indeed, an under-construction Florida Polytechnic University building serving as the backdrop for that Dodge Ram 3500 truck national TV ad. Sure enough, that’s Interstate 4 and the eastern Polk Parkway in Lakeland. And that, to be sure, is Florida Poly’s arch-dominated, $110 million Innovation, Science and Technology building, the signature, futuristic structure designed by renowned Spanish architect Santiago Calatrava.

“We were honored to be involved in this project, and we’re proud that our IST building is catching eyes and inspiring people,” said Ava Parker, Florida Poly’s chief operating officer. “It was designed, after all, to inspire innovation.”

Moreover, the Dodge Ram experience has led to additional national exposure, added Parker.

“It’s uncanny how this has become a vehicle for more marketing opportunities,” she said. “We’re reminded that we are an icon-in-the-making. In fact, we just heard from the Oscar Meyer Company. They want to do a photo shoot with the Weinermobile and thought our IST building the perfect backdrop.

“When I pointed that we were borne of a political power play and had no certification or students or completed buildings yet, they were unfazed,” she noted. “They said that most people only care about a final product and don’t like seeing sausage made–but they weren’t most people. They were fine with ‘sausage.’ They were Oscar Meyer. And Florida Poly and the Weinermobile were a perfect fit.”

Our very own Selmon Expressway, as we know, is among the national venues chosen by researchers to study the safety and performance of automated vehicles–aka “driverless cars.” These vehicles will be tested on the Selmon’s elevated lanes during non-peak hours when officials can close the lanes to regular traffic.

“We think this is a coming revolution in transportation,” explained Joe Waggoner, the Tampa Hillsborough Expressway Authority’s executive director…  . “What it comes down to is moving it into practice. We want to know what it takes and be a part of it.

“…And, frankly, it only seems appropriate to do it here,” added Waggoner. “We’re a major metro area in a state that still thinks that texting while driving is a secondary offense, if that. So, in an ironic way, we’re already pretty familiar with the driverless-car concept.”

It’s well documented that Hillsborough County School Board member April Griffin and Superintendent MaryEllen Elia have serious differences. And that it’s gotten personal, public and ugly.

After a recent workshop, Griffin underscored her displeasure with Elia’s position on how she (Elia) should be evaluated. Griffin acknowledged using inappropriate, non-pedagogical language, but claims she was, in effect, misquoted by over-zealous editing.

“For the record, the superintendent may be somewhat full of herself–but not full of s—,” explained Griffin. “I actually said she was full of shinola. I don’t do scatological. I know the difference. But, yes, Superintendent Elia is definitely on my shinola list–that self-serving, shinola-eating smirk gives it away–along with a few other shinola-head educators. I hope this clarifies everything. What more can I say, shinola happens.”

It’s well documented that Hillsborough County School Board member April Griffin and Superintendent MaryEllen Elia have serious differences. And that it’s gotten personal, public and ugly.

After a recent workshop, Griffin underscored her displeasure with Elia’s position on how she (Elia) should be evaluated. Griffin acknowledged using inappropriate, non-pedagogical language, but claims she was, in effect, misquoted by over-zealous editing.

“For the record, the superintendent may be somewhat full of herself–but not full of s—,” explained Griffin. “I actually said she was full of shinola. It could’ve been worse. And I know the difference. But, yes, Superintendent Elia is definitely on my shinola list–that self-serving, shinola-eating smirk gives it away–along with a few other shinola-head educators. I hope this clarifies everything. What more can I say, shinola happens.”

* Word from Republican National Chairman Reince Preibus is that their next presidential selection process is going to be shortened. According to Preibus, the GOP has learned a valuable lesson from the last primary cycle and wants to avoid the six-month, “slice and dice” process that was ultimately damaging to Republican candidates. Preibus, however, gave a strong indication that other lessons remain to be learned. “We’re not doing a total overhaul,” noted Preibus. “We could very well field another array of candidates ideologically unappealing to mainstream America.”

* The Arizona Republican Party censured Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., citing a voting record they say isn’t nearly conservative enough. McCain’s office issued a terse response attributed to the senator: “I thought putting Sarah Palin on the ticket in ’08 gave me a life-long pass.”

We will soon officially have a Hispanic male, Miami-Dade Property Appraiser Carlos Lopez-Cantera, as Rick Scott’s lieutenant governor. A precedent-setting choice. His ill-fated predecessor, of course, was a black female, Jennifer Carroll. A historic choice. And if Lopez-Cantera doesn’t work out? There’s always a white guy available.