Category: Sardonic Side

The sardonic and sometimes sacrilegious humor that is Joe O’Neill’s. Nothing, seemingly, is sacred. Everything, apparently, is fair game.

Almost Accurate

* We now know that key aides to Sen. Marco Rubio and Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen were among those taking an all expenses-paid trip to China last month. It was done under the auspices of the non-profit U.S.-Asia Institute, with the Chinese government picking up the pricey tab. It’s a popular Capitol perk, but doesn’t typically involve staff of vehemently outspoken anti-Communist lawmakers.

Ros-Lehtinen, a strident critic of China over human rights abuses and military build-up, said she would never have approved the trip had she just known the Chinese government was paying for it.

“It’s hard to believe,” she said. “When it comes to a Communist county, I’m in the loop on everything. They know I’m a China hardliner. I’m shocked, shocked to find that freebie junkets to Red China are going on here.”

As for fellow Cuban-American Rubio, who has called out the Chinese over human rights violations and illegitimate territorial claims, his spokesman downplayed any hint of inconsistency involving another Communist country–Cuba.

“The senator has consistently condemned the totalitarian nature of the Chinese government, whose human-rights record is awful,” said Alex Conant, Rubio’s spokesman. “But, let’s be honest, the Chinese are awfully impacting.

“Cuba, although less repressive than some of our ‘allies’ and trade partners, is a geopolitical gnat. Who really cares, except for the U.N., this Hemisphere and some Castro apologists? For the senator, it’s personal as well as self-serving politics. You know that. Next question.”

* Syniverse, the New Tampa-based telecom company with global reach, was in the news recently on two fronts. It was at least one more front than Syniverse expected–or preferred.

First, it named Stephen C. Gray as its interim CEO, replacing the recently resigned Jeff Gordon. But then it had to deflect inquiries about whether it was planning to relocate to downtown Tampa–specifically as an anchor tenant for the 200,000-square-foot office building that Tampa Bay Lightning owner Jeff Vinik wants to build near the Forum.

“Syniverse has a lease for our global headquarters in New Tampa through October 2016,” said the company’s chief financial and administrative officer David Hitchcock. “We do not have any plans to enter into any arrangements for a new headquarters building in downtown.

“But you can sure in hell bet we’re less than pleased that the Vinik rezoning application survey included a ‘Syniverse office new zoning’ reference,” added Hitchcock. “That wasn’t supposed to happen. Makes it look like we’ll be rethinking our New Tampa lease when it runs out in two years. Makes it look like we want in on new, customized space in a downtown hot spot likely to be a techie-millennial magnet. Makes it harder to say we love New Tampa for the next 25 months.”

Almost Accurate

* After a second incident (within six weeks) of inexplicably bad time-management- and dispatch problems impacting public safety and rush-hour traffic in Pasco County, CSX Transportation–stop the presses–issued an apology. “CSX will make every attempt to keep trains running through Dade City except under emergency circumstances,” promised Kristin Seay, a CSX spokeswoman.

“We are making operational adjustments and want to retain our good will in all communities that we impact,” added Seay. “We pride ourselves on being more than a railroad. We’re also a good neighbor. Just ask the residents of downtown Tampa or TECO Streetcar officials.”

* Circuit Judge Terry Lewis has upheld the revision to the state’s congressional map approved earlier this month by the Florida Legislature. Its implementation, however, will necessarily be delayed by electoral logistics.

“An election in 2015 is not a viable option,” wrote Lewis in his four-page order. “The 2014 elections will have to be held under the map as enacted in 2012. But let’s keep everything in its proper constitutional context. We do have a remedial plan that meets minimum requirements by rearranging some deck chairs. Corrine Brown will still have a salamander. It will be business as usual in 2016.”

* It’s now official. Florida Polytechnic University in Lakeland is open–and they have 550 students and that futuristic Innovation, Science and Technology Building to prove it. Those new students were greeted by Steve Warner, director of student affairs, during the welcoming session.

“You have a once-in-a-life opportunity,” Warner told them. “You took the risk, you took the chance, you believed in what we are doing, and, for all I know, you would have come here to the Big Slinky even if we didn’t admit everybody for free. And, as our patron saint, JD Alexander, has noted, accreditation is, like, way overrated. Carpe Diem.”

Almost Accurate

* It’s called a “First Day of Fairness” plan. It’s a Charlie Crist campaign gimmick that makes for an effective, thematically populist line.

It prioritizes the protection of the rights of gay, lesbian and transgender workers (within agencies reporting to the governor’s office and their contractors); a minimum-wage hike (for contractors doing business with the state); equal pay for women (for companies doing business with the state); the granting of contract work to in-state applicants whenever possible; and more transparency in public records.

According to Crist, it’s about “giving middle-class families and small businesses the same opportunities and protections the big corporations have enjoyed under Rick Scott.”

The Scott campaign immediately went into rapid-response, retaliation mode as campaign chairman Sen. John Thrasher fired back. “Charlie Crist thinks he can win this election by doing his best Barack Obama impersonation–all talk and no action,” countered Thrasher. “It’s telling that his new proposal includes no plans for job creation or education. … Crist’s record speaks louder than any of his words … It was anything but ‘fair’ to the middle class.

“And, by the way, I still want to be president of Florida State University. ”

* And So It Goes, featuring Michael Douglas and Diane Keaton, has not been well received by cinema critics. In fact, it’s been almost universally lambasted as lame, cinematic schmaltz. But as with any major movie, it comes with a pull-quote assessment that looks good in a movie ad. In the one running locally, the shout-out quote says: “The Charmer of the Year.” That line, which could play well, was the opinion of Dean Richards, movie critic for WGN-TV/Chicago.

But there’s this insider strategy of movie marketers to not just cherry pick reviews–but context as well–in looking for “endorsements.” Richards’ actual take:

“Here’s the good news. It’s the summer, and it’s a movie not based on a comic book action character or a video game. It’s not even an assembly-line sequel. And it doesn’t star Adam Sandler. It’s a retirement-age rom-com that’s not entirely bland and unwatchable, although it is gratuitously corny.

“But, with Douglas and Keaton I was, candidly, wishing for cool senior chemistry. It never happened. Alas, this wasn’t ‘THE CHARMER OF THE YEAR’ I was hoping for.”

Almost Accurate

As we know, at the last minute those Charlie Crist stickers were removed from that race car at the Daytona International Speedway. The Florida GOP had complained that the market value far exceeded the $3,000 limit for in-kind contributions to a statewide candidate.

“We thought a campaign gift of a NASCAR sponsorship was worth $25,000 to $50,000,” explained Melissa Sellers, Rick Scott’s campaign manager.

“We do, however, applaud the Crist campaign for trying to appeal to a demographic that is not Charlie’s constituency,” she said. “Those aren’t his people. He knows it. We get that.

“It’s why, frankly, we keep trying to court environmentalists, public school teachers, Hispanics, gun-control exponents, supporters of high speed rail, critics of All Aboard Florida, opponents of Florida Poly, proponents of Medicaid expansion, advocates of an embargo-free relationship with Cuba and skeptics who despise duplicitous bastards more than flip-floppers,” added Sellers. “It’s quite the challenge.”

Almost Accurate

* Damage control has been officially invoked by Florida State University in its embarrassing, faux-search for a new president. Too many people who care were not going to stand by and let politically powerful state Sen. John Thrasher get the job by competition-free acclamation.

So a FSU search committee–with a new search consultant–has restarted the process and set a goal of recommending a president by late September.

“Our objective is to have more than one finalist,” said Presidential Search Advisory Committee Chairman Ed Burr. “In fact, I’m pleased to announce that we have already reached that goal, as both Burt Reynolds and Bobby Bowden have agreed to apply. We’re still waiting to hear from Deion Sanders and Charles Koch.”

* Can you believe it? Chubby Checker is not in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame! It’s true. It’s also an outrage–and not just because I’m a fellow Philly guy who even remembers when Chubby was pre-Twist Ernie Evans of South Philadelphia. But the guy who is synonymous with an iconic dance craze is not in the HOF? Yo. In fact, YO!!

As it turns out, Chubby hasn’t been taking it well either.

“It’s mind-boggling,” he now says. “People tell me I’m an icon. I still do gigs all over the world. I don’t want to be inducted posthumously.

“I think it’s a conspiracy,” he adds. “Maybe it’s because I covered Hank Ballard’s version of The Twist. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t original enough in my stage name. There’s Fats Domino, of course. Well, I was ‘Chubby Checker.’ Maybe ‘Pudgy Parcheesi’ would have worked out better.

“But here’s the bottom line: I was a change-agent in American society. A cultural phenomenon who is still performing. I’m not in the HOF, but the Beastie Boys, the Sex Pistols and Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five are?”

* Now that anti-government, doomsday prepper Martin Winters has turned himself in, he’s turned into less than an apocalyptic icon. Rather than remain on the loose, setting up booby traps and stashing weapons for a Book of Revelations last stand, Winters surrendered for dry shoes, cheeseburgers, fries, Gatorade and a reunion with his grandchildren.

“I want to set the record straight about what I believe in,” Winters said in his first media availability this week. “Sure, I have some weapons and some like-minded buddies, but I’m really armed with an ideology. I’m no more dangerous than Ted Nugent. And the River Otter Preppers? You might be surprised to know it’s actually a country and western band the fellas and I formed a number of years back.

“Hell, it might come in handy,” he added, “if we can get our own reality show. Duck Dynasty, move over. Maybe we can call it Winters’ Tale.“