Category: Sardonic Side

Not long ago Pam Iorio jokingly accused me of “stalking” because she kept seeing me at all these mayoral candidate forums. Bob Buckhorn, in turn, wondered if my ubiquity meant I was now a candidate myself.

No, the body politic will be spared that.

Such light-hearted observations, however, are a likely sign that you’ve been seeing more than your share of these things. It means they’re starting to play like a continuous loop.

As with pornography, you know it when you see it. Manifest signs that you may be a candidate-forum junkie:

*You already know, for example, that when Iorio talks about her vision for downtown, there will inevitably follow countless ways to integrate “catalyst” into her remarks. Always looming is the observation that Tampa is “the only city that puts a parking lot on its river.” Generally speaking, there will be a lot of generalizations. A lot of them impassioned.*You steel yourself for the Buckhorn reminder that he has been getting up “every morning for the past 16 years trying to make this a better place.” You’re tired, frankly, of feeling like an ingrate for not fully appreciating that kind of single-minded dedication over these last 5,800 days. You know “monument” building, a certain CIT vote, “platitudes over potholes” and “trains running on time” will eventually surface. As will a flattering comparison to Rudy Giuliani. When he references residential needs, you know what’s coming: “Eight hundred people live in downtown Tampa, and 400 of them are in jail.” It’s still a solid laugh line.

*You’re prepared for your Miranda rites. That’s when the 64-year-old City Council chairman waxes wistful. You know it’s coming, and it won’t be just drive-by nostalgia. Some of the references will evoke smiles and nods. Others will prompt a quizzical reaction because the reverie rendered the question incidental. Miranda will remind you, more than once, that he is stingy with money — his and yours.

*You expect Frank Sanchez to work in “growing the economy.” Ironically, you’re continuously amazed that he doesn’t do it more frequently and more fervently. It’s his trump card — from better jobs to paved potholes. You also know Sanchez will make a pointedly fervid and direct commitment to somebody about something. At some point, he’ll turn a potential home run of an answer into a scratch hit.

*You’re ready for the square-peg, “fit, fun, free and functional” candidacy of Don Ardell. His asides, you know, will be variations on an iconoclastic theme. He’ll remind you, directly and indirectly, that it would take a miracle for him to be mayor. In what would otherwise be political heresy, he’ll likely “pass” on a question at some point in the interests of saving time and limiting redundancy. Somewhere in the forum, however, Ardell will reveal a seriously Libertarian side that is out of synch with what real cities with real challenges really need.

*You hope write-in candidate Neil Cosentino will be a no-show. When he isn’t, anticipate references to the Convention Center and the German-American Club, no matter the question.

Finally, you start to compile a mental memo. Maybe it has merit; maybe it’s just good therapy. Maybe it’s something to do when Cosentino is droning on. But after a recent mayoral forum on the arts at Tampa Theater, sound bites never seemed so good. It was easy to see how this democratic staple just might share a short list with news, laws and sausage: stuff you might not want to see in process. At least not this often.

With that bias in mind, these sausage-inspired thoughts and recommendations:

*Six — or more — is an unwieldy number at a candidate forum. But sometimes democracy is unwieldy.

*Candidate quality notwithstanding, forums are as good as their moderators. Their preparation includes being armed with a number of relevant queries plus clear instructions for candidates, timekeepers and audience members.

*Suggestion: Moderators should consider asking a given question to a pair of candidates. One responds; the other, in effect, rebuts. It saves time and tedium. (When everyone answers the same question, even the clueless can cobble together a respectable answer.)

*Sure, there’s a luck-of-the-draw element here, but it’s not bad preparation for the City Hall hot seat. The mayor never knows what the next phone ring will bring. For candidates who want a piece of questions not asked them, they will be encouraged to work it into their concluding remarks instead of soaring, all-things-to-all-people, boilerplate rhetoric. Conversely, they can remain conspicuously silent on questions they would prefer to duck.

*Moderators must discourage — no, ban — applause after each candidate answers. It should be obvious why.

*If questions are solicited from the audience, moderators should preface them with this admonition: If you haven’t begun to formulate a question within 30 seconds, expect the hook. You’re not a candidate; we already have enough of those.

If nothing else, German law can be forgiving. It’s just that some things are unforgivable.

To wit: The maximum sentence under German law for accessory to murder is 15 years. As a result, that’s what Mounir el Motassadeq got last week. He’s the Moroccan convicted of helping the Hamburg-based al-Qaida cell that planned the Sept. 11, 2001 atrocities.

Proportionally, that means el Motassadeq will serve approximately 1.5 days for each of the nearly 3,000 victims. Moreover, under German guidelines, this best buddy of lead hijacker Mohamed Atta could be released in 10 years and deported back to Morocco.

For those not too incensed and appalled to be scoring at home, that figures out to less than a day per death.

Here’s the most recent sign that President George W. Bush, although perilously positioned beneath the Damoclean swords of a troubled economy and a controversial foreign policy, is still on track to be re-elected in 2004. By default.

Rep. Dick Gephardt just announced yet another son-of-a-Teamster, populist bid for the presidency. Much more telling, however, were the formal papers filed with the Federal Election Commission by former Illinois Sen. Carol Moseley-Braun and Ohio Rep. Dennis Kucinich.

Mosely-Braun and Kucinich? Why not George McGovern? He’s still alive. Why not Jimmy Carter? He’s still has eligibility left.

These most recent candidacies, especially Mosely-Braun and Kucinich, represent more than the usual political grandstanding. They also constitute a vote of no-confidence in the previously declared candidates: former Vermont Gov. Howard Dean, North Carolina Sen. John Edwards, Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry, Connecticut Sen. Joseph Lieberman and the Rev. Al Sharpton.

Why not Ted Kennedy? He still has the Camelot connection. Why not Jesse Jackson? He still has but one illegitimate child.

Or is this all part of a vast, left-wing conspiracy to draft Al Gore?

It’s now official, although we suspected as much. When it comes to castrating sex offenders, state law just isn’t as flexible as some judges think it should be.

A three-judge panel of the 1st District Court of Appeal has unanimously reversed the surgical castration sentence of Paul Bruno, 35.

Three years ago, Bruno pleaded no contest to four counts of committing a lewd and lascivious act on a child. He cut a deal with the prosecution and was sentenced to 15 years. He opted for castration in lieu of a fifth charge, where he faced a sentence of more than 21 years.

The appellate court, however, found that neither surgical nor chemical castration is allowed by state law for a lewd and lascivious act. (Chemical castration, however, is permissible for sexual battery.)

Assistant State Attorney David Fleet, who prosecuted Bruno, declined to comment.

But I won’t.

Nice try, Dave. That definitely took cojones.

News on the security front remains disturbing, even for those who have their duct tapes in a row.

Now we find out that defecting Cuban coast guardsmen sailed their patrol boat — officially a “sovereign warship” — right into Key West the other night. Apparently nothing short of sending up flares or firing off a few rounds wouldn’t have attracted any official attention. They docked at a resort, walked into town, hailed a cop — and “surrendered.”

Ironically, it was the same day that the feds raised the terror-threat level to “high risk.” The Cubans not only evaded basic Homeland Security-enhanced surveillance on a key coastal area; they evaded ostensibly heightened security.

The question obviously begged is: Suppose the defectors had been al-Qaida saboteurs — not Cuban defectors? That’s beyond disturbing — and unnecessarily “high risk.”

The politics of repatriation never looked so innocent.

We’re now in the midst — or throes — of Kingpin , NBC’s highly hyped, six-episode mini-series. In the judgment of some, it could do for Hispanic (drug cartel) stereotypes what The Untouchables, The Godfather and The Sopranos did for Italian (mobster) type casting and what the NBA does for blacks.

As if we needed reminding, the Hall of Defame never closes. Cue the theme song: “I Wonder Who’s Dissing Her Now.”

At any rate, Kingpin umbrage apparently has been taken by a number of Hispanics. Including, quite possibly, some already reeling from daffy Dame Edna’s comic putdown of the Spanish language in Vanity Fair and those thought to have fully recovered from the ethnic trauma of the Taco Bell Chihuahua. For the self-esteem crowd, the lesson learned was obviously not “lighten up.”

In fact, the St. Petersburg Times — ever vigilant on the societal-slur front — brought together a panel of Hispanic leaders, activists and students to watch and critique Kingpin’s debut episode.

Fortunately, Rene Gonzalez, the founder and artistic director of Tampa’s Spanish Lyric Theater, was among the panelists. His Kingpin spin: “I don’t identify with any of these characters

We’re now in the midst — or throes — of Kingpin , NBC’s highly hyped, six-episode mini-series. In the judgment of some, it could do for Hispanic (drug cartel) stereotypes what The Untouchables , The Godfather and The Sopranos did for Italian (mobster) type casting and what the NBA does for blacks.

As if we needed reminding, the Hall of Defame never closes. Cue the theme song: “I Wonder Who’s Dissing Her Now.”

At any rate, Kingpin umbrage apparently has been taken by a number of Hispanics. Including, quite possibly, some already reeling from daffy Dame Edna’s comic putdown of the Spanish language in Vanity Fair and those thought to have fully recovered from the ethnic trauma of the Taco Bell Chihuahua. For the self-esteem crowd, the lesson learned was obviously not “lighten up.”

In fact, the St. Petersburg Times — ever vigilant on the societal-slur front — brought together a panel of Hispanic leaders, activists and students to watch and critique Kingpin’s debut episode.

Fortunately, Rene Gonzalez, the founder and artistic director of Tampa’s Spanish Lyric Theater, was among the panelists. His Kingpin spin: “I don’t identify with any of these characters

Gov. Jeb Bush had no problem jumping in with his brother to protest a race-based admissions policy at the University of Michigan. Would that he had shown the same sort of principled fortitude here at home where race obviously has everything to do with retaining Broward County’s black Elections Supervisor Miriam Oliphant.

In trying to placate minorities, the governor has discredited himself by thwarting the will of the Broward County Commission. The commission wants this six-figure paragon of incompetence, gall and entitlement gone, preferably last year. But it requires the governor’s help. He must do the actual pinkslipping.

Filing an amicus brief is easy. Firing a high-profile minority is hard.

Bush, however, is not without cover. He is thwarting the Broward County Commission because, he says, there is no hard evidence that Oliphant — a national embarrassment and a statewide scandal — engaged in any INTENTIONAL wrongdoing. “I will not suspend Ms. Oliphant prior to the upcoming municipal election cycle unless she is indicted or I am presented with specific, concrete evidence that she has engaged in criminal or ethical wrongdoing,” said Bush in a letter to the commission.

The precedent couldn’t be more clear. Merely being very bad at a very important job isn’t cause for firing. You have to be a certified saboteur or criminal to get canned.

Bush, however, may be getting what he deserves in Broward. Minorities can differentiate principle from pander, and everyone can see a governor trying duplicitously to insulate himself from any possible blacklash.

The residents of Broward County, however, are not getting what they deserve. They’re still stuck with a supervisor of elections who is lousy — but apparently not on purpose.

Here is why the Buccaneers will return home winners even though the road to the Super Bowl must course through the City of Brotherly Mug. I know, I know, the ultimate mettle-detector site — nasty, rat-infested, magistrate-and-jail fortified Veterans Stadium — awaits. As does complementary lousy weather. As does a throaty lot of drunk, cheesesteak-head vulgarians. Worse yet, many in this lynch mob that passes for Philly fandom will be armed with screwdrivers and wrenches to expedite souvenir hunting — one staggered step in front of the wrecking ball that will soon euthanize the decrepit Vet.

And most importantly, of course, a really good football team, the Philadelphia Eagles, also awaits.

But should the outcome be no different than the previous four — all Eagle wins — the Bucs won’t ultimately leave as losers. Win or not, the Bucs get to return here. Whatever the outcome, the “Iggles” have to stay there.

Gov. Jeb Bush has taken, arguably, more than his share of criticism from the usual quarters over jettisoning affirmative action in state university admissions. That liberal lobby won’t desist, of course, until meritocracy has been finally eliminated in higher education.

But couldn’t the minority-special-interest crowd at least stop carping long enough to acknowledge — let alone thank — the governor for his stand on Miriam Oliphant. He won’t fire the certifiably competence-challenged, black Broward County supervisor of elections.

She is paid a six-figure salary to serve as a beacon to all those whose aspirations, gall and sense of entitlement far exceed their abilities, ethics and sense of pride.

Not only did she botch the gubernatorial primary last year, but her legacy continues to expand to concerns about her financial management as well as questions about her office’s preparation for next month’s elections. She is a national embarrassment and a statewide scandal.

Gov. Bush, is, at best, an enabler for the affirmative tokenism crowd. At worst, he’s derelict in his duty. In effect, he is thwarting the will of the Broward County Commission who want Oliphant out. It is their county, after all, that she threatens to make another mockery and laughingstock out of. The commissioners want her gone, preferably last year. But it would require the governor’s help. He’d actually have to do the pinkslipping.

In trying not to offend minorities and others prone to defend the indefensible, Bush has embarrassed and discredited himself. He is not backing the Broward board’s wishes because there is no concrete evidence that Oliphant engaged in any INTENTIONAL wrongdoing.

Say what?

Isn’t merely being very bad in a very important job cause enough? Do you have to be a saboteur to be fired?

Bush is getting what he deserves in Broward. Not only is he not praised by civil rights careerists, he’s not respected by minorities who can tell pander from principle. He earns disgust from everyone else who see a duplicitous, politically expedient governor fearing a Mau-mauing for doing the right thing.

The residents of Broward, however, are not getting what they deserve. They’re still stuck with a supervisor of elections who is lousy — but apparently not on purpose.