Category: Sardonic Side

First the good news. The U.S. government is finally making progress in locating those ever-elusive weapons of mass destruction. The government finally confirmed finding a major WMD site. In fact, it’s likely they’ve also unearthed a second.

Now the bad news. The confirmed discovery is in Anniston, Alabama. The likely one: Hernando County Airport. The upshot: our Cold War legacy — VX gas, sarin and mustard gas.

It’s now official. No criminal charges will be filed in the Sarasota Toughman competition that resulted in the death of Stacy Young, a 30-year-old mother of two. Sarasota Police determined that the “fight’s” promoter didn’t break any laws, and the over-matched, under-conditioned Young was a willing participant.

What almost anyone else could have determined was this: these are the Stupidman competitions.

The Young family, including the widower who preceded his wife into the ring — and was knocked out — and then encouraged her to follow suit, retained counsel. What they really should have retained was some sense.

A husband is now without his wife and two young girls are without their mom. Loopholes and poor supervision likely contibuted. But stupidity caused it.

We already knew that blood runs thicker than water. Now add a corollary, thanks to the Brothers Bush. Pandering runs thicker than blood. At least on the politically volatile subject of Cuba.

Gov. Jeb Bush has criticized the repatriation of 12 Cubans accused of hijacking a Cuban research vessel to get to Florida. Their return, however lamentable despite Cuban assurances of non-execution, was in keeping with the U.S. government’s controversial “wet-foot, dry-foot” policy adopted in the mid-’90s. In effect, Jeb Bush has taken very public issue with a policy that his brother’s administration is sworn to uphold.

“The policy that we have with Cuba should be put under review given the (repressive) circumstances in Cuba today,” said the governor in his finest Cuban-exile boilerplate.

In breaking with President Bush over Cuban “policy,” it’s too bad Gov. Bush wasn’t alluding to the counterproductive, mean-spirited, 40-something trade embargo and travel ban. That would have shown real guts and true compassion — as well as foreign policy common sense.

Instead, he shows all-too-familiar cold feet about meaningful change in Cuban policy.

If you like a hefty side order of controversial inferences with your statistical entrée, the recent Tiger Bay Club of Tampa luncheon was the place to be. A generous helping of “crimes related to nude entertainment” fare was served up by family-values advocate/ reformed pornography addict David Caton.

To wit: In 2001, the forcible rape rate for the city of Tampa was 68.10 per 100,000 residents. By way of comparison, the figure for the Miami/Dade County metropolitan statistical area was 36.5; the West Palm Beach MSA, 42.4; the Jacksonville MSA, 35.4; and the Orlando MSA 41.50. The statewide average is 40.50. You needn’t be an anti-porn crusader to find Tampa’s numbers unsettling.

These Florida Department of Law Enforcement statistics were passed along by Caton to underpin his point that crimes related to nude entertainment correlate to the sheer number of businesses featuring totally nude women. Those numbers show Tampa, still America’s Mecca for lap dancing, topping out at 69 — as opposed to Miami, 18; West Palm Beach, 8; Jacksonville, 2; and Orlando, 0.

Ergo: syllogism.

By Caton’s calculations, the relationship of nude businesses to crimes such as forcible rape and domestic violence is causal because it can’t be coincidental. As to variables in populations and methods of data collection — incidental. And what to make of Miami’s nude beach and legions of scantily clad, hard-bodied models and actress wannabes?

Caton was formally rebutted by adult-club owner Joe Redner, who is wealthy — but not “obscenely” so — because a lot of guys like looking at come-hither, naked women. Always have. Redner had his boilerplate presentation that included references ranging from the Nixon-era commission on pornography to liberating studies out of Copenhagen.

He dismissed Caton’s case as “faith beyond reason,” adding that Caton “is looking for secular reasons for his biblical beliefs.” He said Caton believes that “sex causes anti-social behavior or else he believes that sex is anti-social behavior.

“It’s the repression of sex in our society that actually causes sex crimes,” declared Redner, who urged treatment for “obsessive-compulsive behavior” rather than redress through, say, legislation.

“Do you think my business could operate for a minute if we really caused rape, and David could prove it?” rhetorically asked Redner. And for those who like their wit with a wince, he noted that “provable sex crimes” were more the province of the Catholic Church than adult clubs.

And, no, he isn’t a de facto pimp, Redner replied to a question he’s heard before. “I’m making money off of someone else’s labor, and that’s capitalism,” he said. “My dancers make more money than most of you in this room.”

Redner speaks with the confidence, sarcasm and arrogance of one who has the U.S. Supreme Court for an ally. Through the years the Supremes have protected nudity under the immodest cloak of free speech. Case law has long allowed cities to regulate such “speech” — but not ban it. Redner, often with an attorney in tow, is to the First Amendment what the semi-automatic element of the gun lobby is to the Second Amendment.

Maybe we shouldn’t expect the founding fathers, some of whom were no Puritans, to have anticipated a Mons Venus any more than a spree killer. But here we are — still.

Only now we have the county considering a law that would ban public nudity, however defined — with major ramifications for adult clubs — looming. Caton is a prime mover in that effort. Any ordinance action, however, would be preceded by a nonbinding referendum in the 2004 election. County commissioners could then, in effect, take their cues from the voters.

“More than the ordinance, we need the will of the people to be expressed to law enforcement,” maintained Caton, whose remarks were sprinkled with “God’s grace” references. “I’m not going to ignore the data.”

Neither is he going to back down, he stressed, no matter how much his family-values agenda is ridiculed or reviled. No matter how often his statistical extrapolations are compared to uranium intelligence out of Niger.

“This is a quality-of-life issue,” underscored Caton. “It’s about the public safety of women in this county.”

The attendant issues, of course, are the usual: legalities, priorities and costs. And they likely will play as a continuous loop for the next year.

And the most outspoken advocates — the born again and the porn again — will remain all too familiar as well.

Say what you want about the Rays and the folly of their (Wilson Alvarez-Juan Guzman-Vinny Castilla-Greg Vaughn-Ben Grieve) fiscal ways, but they are among the league leaders in one financial category. However their infrequency, Rays’ wins come relatively cheap.

According to the commissioner’s office, the Rays’ payroll for its 40-man roster — including benefits — is $31.6 million. That would be 30th out of Major League Baseball’s 30 franchises. For those scoring at home, that would — as of the All-Star game — average out to about $900,000 per win, a cost-per-win figure bettered only by Kansas City and Montreal.

Attaboy, Vince.

The Yankees, with a league-leading payroll of $180 million, have to ante up an average of nearly $2 million per win.

Take that, George.

And speaking of the Rays, infielder Julio Lugo recently was acquitted of misdemeanor assault on his wife. That was good news for Lugo, the Rays and possibly Mrs. Lugo.

What was more bizarre than Lugo’s wife changing her story at the trial — she previously “exaggerated,” she said — was the immediate aftermath. A grateful Lugo signed autographs for beseeching jurors. So much for a jury of Lugo’s peers.

The other day it was announced that the presidential succession had been changed such that the secretary of homeland security — Tom Ridge — would move from 18th to 8th in line. That’s all well and good and, arguably, Ridge belongs ahead of Gayle Norton and Ann Veneman, the secretaries of interior and agriculture, respectively.

But it still disappoints that there is no loophole that would move Tony Blair onto that list, say, right in front of Dick Cheney.

The British prime minister, for all of his domestic troubles back home in the United Kingdom, remains as valuable an asset as the Bush White House has. He not only agrees with the administration’s post-Sept. 11 foreign policy, he articulates it better than the administration does. He’s not only a hardliner on Iraq and a stonewaller about certain evidentiary matters, he looks good — certainly by Bush standards — doing it. And by so doing, he immeasurably helps the Bushies earn whatever measure of legitimacy they enjoy in international circles.

Even in the midst of the African-uranium fiasco, which could be his political undoing in the UK, Blair didn’t lose his rhetorical touch. Fittingly, it was on display in Washington during his recent whirlwind stop. He was the fourth British prime minister to address Congress, and the first since Margaret Thatcher in 1985. And no one did it better.

After he thanked Congress for its “warm and generous” welcome to the U.S. House Chamber, he then drew a rousing, good-natured, bi-partisan response that would be all but impossible for President Bush to muster these days. “It’s more than I deserve,” deadpanned Blair, “and more than I’m used to quite frankly.”

He certainly didn’t come to grovel over manipulated intelligence. And he begged no one’s forgiveness — save historians. But Blair’s presentation, in part designed to provide Bush political cover on Iraq, was no exercise in allied arrogance.

He didn’t traffick in the “bring ’em on” rhetoric Americans seem increasingly ill at ease with. He exalted “beliefs” over “guns” as “our ultimate weapon.” He spoke of courage in a time of peril and underscored a context greater than yellowcake from Niger — or the politics of the moment. And he continued to put appeasement on notice, as only the antithesis of Neville Chamberlain can.

“If we are wrong, we will have destroyed a threat that, at its least, is responsible for inhuman carnage and suffering,” Blair said. “That is something I am confident history will forgive.

“But if our critics are wrong, if we are right — as I believe with every fiber of instinct and conviction I have that we are — and we do not act, then we will have hesitated in the face of this menace when we should have given leadership. That is something history will not forgive.”

Ultimately, Bush and Blair will be judged on what they’ve done. They are in fundamental agreement about rooting out terrorism and those it considers menaces to peace- and freedom- loving people everywhere.

Only Blair says it so much better. So much more presidential, if you will. In fact, one half-expected the opening lines to his Congressional speech to be: “My fellow Americans.”

Yo, Merriam.

May I have a word? “Youse-guys.” n. Actually a gender-neutral collective noun with informal, utterly inclusive overtones. Formerly a pure Philly colloquialism.

I understand that it still doesn’t make it into your book, the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary, now out in its 11th edition.

But “headbangers” and “dead presidents” did? What’s next? Ho?

Yo!

I know that all living languages are constantly changing to reflect usage, which is a pretty good reason not to grow up speaking Latin. And popular culture, of course, will always be a prime source of rookie words — usually accompanied by a prudent etymological gestation period. That’s to make words prove themselves — showing that they’re not just ad hoc slang from the fringe.

As they wend their way through the pop culture — whether “jazz,” “photocopy,” “superstar,” “jailbait,” “spiffy,” “groupie,” “goon” or “porno” — they subtly seep into broader usage. We’ve seen this with other recent Merriam-Webster inclusions, i.e., “comb-over,” “heart-healthy” and “McJob.”

But there’s a difference between pop culture and sub culture. As in mainstream usage and linguistic retention pond. That’s why “skank” still doesn’t pass muster and “monica” isn’t yet a M-W verb.

By the way, “headbanger” is defined as both a hard rock musician and a fan. But you already knew that, didn’t you?

Never have such legions said so little in front of so many. In a Publix check-out line, on a health club stationary bike, at a mall. I think we’d all agree that the world of cell phonies is too much with us.

But now, at long last, there’s good news on the cellphone front. Recent surveys tell us that cellphone users are becoming more mindful of their surroundings and, as a result, seemingly more courteous.

A survey in 2002 found that only 6 percent of Americans thought talking on the phone during a movie or a play was acceptable. Two years prior, that figure was 11 percent. Moreover, 28 percent of Americans thought it permissible to cell-talk in a restaurant.

But before you get giddy with the prospect that America will no longer celebrate the Year of the Boor, consider this: there are nearly 150 million cellphone subscribers in this country. That means that, trend toward courtesy notwithstanding, some 9 million Americans still find it acceptable to chat at the theater and more than 42 million think it’s OK to blab away in restaurants.

Bon Appetit.

One of the best ideas since the weed whacker is the “Do Not Call Registry.” The Federal Trade Commission estimates that more than 60 million will have signed on by Oct. 1, when the registry takes effect.

However, we now hear of a down side. Not good for our fragile economy. According to the American Teleservices Association, eliminating so many callees will “wipe out about 2 million jobs.”

Two questions:

*Even if that inflated, self-serving projection were to be near accurate, won’t many of those lost jobs be made up in spam and direct mail?

*Who keeps buying stuff from these people?