Category: Sardonic Side

I have a lot caps and hats. It’s somewhere between a collection and obsession.

There are universities–from alma maters Penn State and USF to an eclectic mix ranging from Appalachian State to Texas A&M. There are international soccer teams–From Manchester United and Ajax (Netherlands) to Boca Juniors (Argentina) and Real Madrid. There are organizations and historic places: from Habitat For Humanity to Tampa Theatre. There’s County Cork Pub Atlanta and “O’Neill: Irish to the Bone.” There’s even a Shriners’ fez, a Skyline Bridge dedication-day hard hat, a Russian fur cap, an Ybor City conductor’s hat and a Calle Ocho straw hat. And more.

But I now have a new favorite, one that is to be worn–not shelved or hat-racked. It’s a “We’re Still Here” cap. Yes we are.

Every time I see GOP Chairman Reince Priebus, I think Forrest Gump. Can’t help it. I can only wonder what Donald Trump sees–besides an establishment subordinate.

As much as I love alliteration, there’s got to be a better way to underscore the ultimate upside of treated wastewater than “toilet-to-tap.”

Sports and religion. There’s a Florida parlay for you. Jocks, free speech and separation of church and state. Once again school public prayer at football games is being studied. As in broadcasting a prayer over a public announcement system before kickoff.

Forget, for now, the technical legalities. We’re missing what should be a critical point to those who fervently care. This trivializes religion. Even if Tim Tebow and Ted Cruz disagree. The Almighty, in effect, deserves better than: “Praise the Lord. Now let’s kick some ass.”

Speculation is rife that George W. Bush will be deployed to help Jeb Bush in South Carolina, where the former president remains popular. But there’s obvious concern over political dynasty and Iraq invasion reminders. And this: According to an AP story, Jeb aides also worry that “W,” a “charismatic and agile campaigner, could outshine his brother on the stump.”

Say what? Is Jeb so low key that he makes “W” seem “charismatic” by contrast? It’s all, uh, relative, to be sure.

So Playboy will no longer publish photos of completely naked women. It’s the internet times we live in. One ironic upshot: It will finally reveal who really does buy Playboy for the articles, interviews and cartoons.

Yes, we know it’s still early in the presidential-campaign season and this time four years ago Rick Perry, Herman Cain and Michelle Bachman were being taken seriously. We also know that polling, especially in the era of cell phones, noncompliant subjects and push polls, can be misleading.

But at some point Jeb Bush will need encouragement from somebody other than Barb, James Baker and Ana Navarro. He’ll need something tangible to show for all his money and staffing. While various candidates juggle positions behind Donald Trump, Bush continues to slide.

An increasingly nervous establishment won’t wax publicly optimistic for too much longer. And an increasingly unimpressed anti-establishment wonders what’s behind the “joy.”

We’ll know that Right To Rise funding and being in for the “long haul” is not consoling enough to Jeb Bush when we see him prove that he is, indeed, his “own man” and not the next Bush up. We’ll know it when we hear it. It will be the sound of u-turn politics–and panic.

“As much as I love my brother,” he would have to say, “I don’t love him more than truth. And truth be told, he was a disaster. He outsourced foreign policy to Dick Cheney and economic policy to Henry Paulson. I’m not a fan of Barack Obama, but he inherited a mess from my brother.

“He owns it. Now I have to disown it. America deserves better.

“I’m not entitled to anyone’s vote, but I am entitled to make the case for earning it. The family that counts most is America’s middle class.

“And, by the way, Trump really, really wanted those casinos in Florida. But not as much as I wanted no part of it. I took great joy in that outcome.”

* The other day Texas Republican Sen. Ted Cruz called Majority Leader Mitch McConnell a liar right on the Senate floor. Among those coming to the defense of McConnell and Senate decorum was Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah and the Senate’s president pro tempore. “Such misuses of the Senate floor must not be tolerated!” he declared.

In his own defense, Cruz proclaimed: “Speaking the truth about actions is entirely consistent with civility.

“Moreover,” he might have said, “it worked. Calling out McConnell over an Export-Import Bank amendment has gotten me all this media attention. Since I don’t care how I look in front of the establishment, so what. I’ve already maxed out on book interviews and even went on “Hard Ball” with Chris Mathews. I’ve got to make the first-debate cut, and here’s some red meat for my tea party base. This is what you have to do to break through the Trump-candidate news cycle right now.”

* At a certain level, you know that Iranian domestic politics includes an agenda-driven rationale over the international nuclear agreement. Maybe something like this:

“We’re not allowed to join a nuclear club that already includes North Korea and Pakistan?”

“We’re being lectured to by the only country to ever actually use a nuclear weapon?”

“Their Republican Party is revolted by the prospect of making a deal with our ‘regime.’ Well, we still remember Iran-Contra, even if they don’t.”

* Turkey has agreed to let the U.S. military use a key air base near the border with Syria to launch airstrikes against ISIS. It follows months of U.S. appeals to the region’s only NATO member, the one with the 500-mile Syrian border.

“The United States and Turkey have decided to further deepen our cooperation in the fight against ISIL (ISIS),” said State Department spokesman John Kirby. Secretary of Defense Ash Carter could very well have added: “Thanks again for helping yourself. Finally.”

At some point, we can’t keep referring to the first Earth-like world to be found in the habitable zone of a star that is similar to our sun as “Kepler 452b.” For a “close cousin,” although 1,400 light years away, we need a more familial name. Not a telescope trademark.

We know the Kepler temperatures are right for water–an essential element for life as we know it. Who knows? And because it’s 60 percent bigger than Earth, why not “Gearth?” Hey, it’s our call, and the really cool appellations like Mercury, Venus, Jupiter and Saturn are already taken.

Who doesn’t like a good pun?Of course, that’s a rhetorical question. But if, indeed, you need convincing, well then, get thee to a punnery right quick. You can see where this is going. Some favorites to ponder, dismiss or even share:

* She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

* No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

* A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

* I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at-large.

* Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: Transcend dental medication.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

And if, indeed, you decide to share, remember this: Make sure everyone is “qualified.” I once sent 10 puns to good friends with the expectation that at the very least one of them would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.