Category: Sardonic Side

Wouldn’t the Bucs have been better off honestly explaining the signing of Russell? Instead, there was the smarmy “second chance” rationale of Head Coach Jon Gruden and the dismissive, hierarchical illogic of General Manager Bruce (“Bill Clinton did a lot worse things than Darrell Russell“) Allen.

Here is what the Bucs might have said, and perhaps fans might have been more accepting of the move. Well, maybe.

“The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have announced the signing of former Pro Bowl defensive tackle Darrell Russell. The 6-foot-5, 325-pound Russell, 27, signed a one-year contract worth $535,000. He is expected to compete for the nose tackle position, with Booger McFarland moving over to replace Warren Sapp at the under tackle spot.

‘It is what it is,’ explained Bucs’ General Manager Bruce Allen. ‘This is not the National Benevolent League. This is pro football. It’s a tough, often harsh, bottom-line business masquerading as a game with roots in the Pop Warner League.

‘It’s all about winning. All things being equal, we prefer, of course, to win with nice guys. But things are never equal. We couldn’t pass up the opportunity to bring in someone of dubious character who used to be very good and still is relatively young. We’d rather win with thugs or predators than lose with nice guys. We think hardcore football fans will understand that reality and applaud any effort to produce a winner. No one wants the Yucks back.

‘And one more thing. I’m not here to be a societal counterweight to Coach Gruden. I’m here to do his bidding. He wanted Russell, because he’ll do anything within the letter of the law to win. I fully support that philosophy. If you can help this team in some way and are not currently incarcerated, we are interested.'”

Now that the promise of an affordable artists’ community is off the drawing boards with the planned East Village of the Arts in Ybor City, a key question is begged.

No, not the one about why artists should be singled out and subsidized to do what they do, which sometimes includes creating stuff that even mystifies those who aren’t practicing Philistines. Anyway, the artists are not supposed to be of the “starving” sort; they’re expected to have rent-paying “day jobs.”

Nor is it about the criteria for choosing the arts’ worthiness of prospective tenants, which sounds almost Solomonic.

After all, artists having formal patrons predates the Medicis. This is the 21st century, quasi economic-development model.

No, the key query concerns the nature of the new art ‘hood — north of I-4, between 12th Street and 19th Street. This is one tough, crime-familiar section. Arguably, punks will outnumber poets. No drive-by sonnets in this rundown part of town.

As a result, leasing apartments at fixed low rates to water colorists, sculptors and mimes could be more noble than practical — or safe. Nothing against the aesthetic and ephemeral crowd, but this could get dicey. Security should be a serious concern for the earliest pioneers, even if they’re a colony of police sketch artists.

To that end, why not add a complementary organization? Preferably one with some muscle. As long as the city is designating a favored group for help, it might want to expand that subsidy scenario. Why not, say, an Olympic Development weightlifters community as well? At least until gentrification kicks in.

A recent study has shown that motorcycle fatalities in Florida have risen since the repeal of the helmet law. Another study showed that the risk of a car crash is a lot higher for elderly drivers. And a third study showed that there’s no end in sight of studies that prove the obvious.

*It’s illegal for virtually all Americans to travel to Cuba. But not Libya. Postcards from the shores of Tripoli — but not the Malecon. Why not make it official and require U.S. citizens to show their passports before entering Miami?

*St. Petersburg continues to distance itself from its old “Wrinkle City” and “God’s Waiting Room” image. A happening downtown and a vibrant arts scene are a big help. Now the city is the hometown of a world champion boxer, newly-crowned, junior middleweight Winky Wright. Definitely not your parents’ St. Pete.

*A lot of us look forward to “March Madness,” the NCAA’s 64-team national championship basketball tournament. This amateur bracketologist among them. Nothing like the David-and-Goliath scenarios created by the Valparaisos, Eastern Washingtons, Libertys, Monmouths, Princetons, and Vermonts taking on the Dukes and Kentuckys. But at the risk of hoops heresy, I have to admit that 64 teams is too many. But that’s not to disparage the Davids. They all won something to get into the “Big Dance.”

It’s a knock on the Goliath wannabes. If a team has proven over the course of a season that it is the fifth, sixth, seventh and even eighth best team in its conference, it has no business playing on for a possible national championship.

*From the looks of the “undervote” (unmarked ballots) in Broward County’s Democratic primary, “Flori-Duh” jokes could, alas, be recycled. What shouldn’t be countenanced, however, are complaints from the “disenfranchisement” crowd. Still not knowing how to vote — which in and of itself calls into question the quality of a ballot, per se — is not the same as being “disenfranchised.” But it is the same as being stupid.

Had he been a contemporary, Benjamin Disraeli would surely agree that there are “Lies, damn lies and movie ads.” Hopefully, most of us are aware of the scam by now. There are publicist ploys, sham critics and out-of-context reviews.

We’ve all seen, regrettably, an awful movie that was huckstered as, say, an “awesome spectacle,” “truly terrifying suspense,” a “riveting drama,” a “poignant romance,” an “action-packed thriller,” a “tour de force” performance, an “adrenaline rush” or a “laugh-out-loud spoof.” We can only wonder what context such laudatory language may have been siphoned from.

Perhaps:

Maybe it should have been called MarthaGate. From Richard Nixon to Martha Stewart, it’s apparent the lesson still unlearned is: “It’s the coverup, Stupid.”

As a former resident of Atlanta, I was hardly shocked that the city has officially acknowledged underreporting crime to boost its ultimately successful effort to woo the 1996 Olympics. Anyone who has lived there can bear witness that the archetype of the “New South” and Mecca for the black middle class goes to extremes to keep its progressive image well burnished. Even when it isn’t pitching the Olympics.

Atlanta may be “too busy to hate,” but it has never been too busy to self promote. To paraphrase Benjamin Disraeli, there are lies, damn lies and Atlanta crime statistics.

So what was really behind Howard Dean’s make-or-break strategy in Wisconsin? Some — OK, me — suspect it might have been the old “student council” gambit. Sometimes American voters — especially in primaries — just delight in casting a vote that will, well, screw things up. If nothing else, such perverse fun would delay the anointing of John Kerry with a prankish, contrarian vote. As we know, there are worse motivations behind some votes.

Trying to figure out an equitable solution to illegal Cuban immigration might be beyond Solomon, let alone the exile-pandering Bush Administration. For sure, the application of the “wet foot, dry foot” policy to Cuban balseros is as arbitrary as it is cruel.

But here, at least, is a suggestion for dealing with those Cubans who are creative and brave enough to come here in customized, floating car chassises. Like the 11 indomitable Cubans in that 1950s-era Buick who were stopped by the Coast Guard this month off Marathon. Try this: “If you can get here by car, you can stay.” We’ve got to reward that kind of initiative somehow.

This column is not one of those myriad forums for George W. Bush bashing. But unless you’re Karl Rove or Laura Bush, who could have been impressed by the president’s appearance on “Meet The Press”? Tim Russert was much more presidential.

But it wasn’t just a matter of being less than articulate. Bush will never be Tony Blair — or even George Bush Sr. — and we’ve come to terms with that. But what was it about a question that asked if he believed the Iraqi war was one of “choice or necessity” that needed clarification? This oft-asked query goes to the very core of U.S. policy in Iraq. You don’t act like it’s a spelling bee and ask for the words to be used in a sentence.

Speculation was rife that House Speaker Johnnie Byrd’s no-show at a recent U.S. Senate candidate forum in Tallahassee was a sign that the Plant City Republican might be dropping out of the race. Eight other candidates were there. Byrd’s explanation: He was busy finishing up Speaker work.

Let’s give Byrd the benefit of the doubt. Moreover, let’s fortify it. Most of these beauty contest forums are of marginal value this early. They’re too unwieldy; too superficial. The sound bites could be mailed in. If Byrd had something more important to do, it’s eminently believable.