What You Won’t Be Hearing This Year

Does it sometimes seem like we’ve devolved into a culture of distortion and spin? That O’Reilly isn’t the only fault-line factor out there?

That the daily news cycle is an exercise in being carpet bombed by the Kobe Bryants, Scott Petersons, Mark Hackings, Martha Stewarts and Ken Lays. Somebody’s lying.

For variety, we get Sandy Berger’s security quirks and the prospect of steroid testing as a de facto Olympic event. Or reality TV shows that couldn’t possibly be. Life now seems lived in color-coded alerts that induce as much skepticism as vigilance. Who can you trust?

Locally, there have been “living wage” debates, Capital One “commitments,” “certifiably” solid overpass supports and conflicting perspectives on hit-and-run fatalities. Who do you believe?

Then there’s politics. Candidates retain their own “truth squads.”

Here’s a sobering thought about the presidential campaign. As bad as the rhetoric of invective and innuendo has been, and as bad as the untruth-in-advertising attack ads have become, this is as good as it gets. Another three months await, and tomorrow arguably will be worse. Too much power is at stake; too much soft money is at play.

It’s all enough to make you provide your own candor. Call it: “Things You Won’t Hear Outside This Column.”

*All candidates for office:

Catholic Schools’ Secret Of Success: Parents

A Tampa Tribune story the other day chronicled how nuns, priests and brothers were no longer the “heart and soul” of Catholic School classrooms. More like skeleton crews these days. The story focused on the 12,000-student Diocese of St. Petersburg, which includes Tampa.

The dynamics of this diocese reflect the national trend that has seen fewer Catholic men and women answer the vocational call to religious orders. And those who did are increasingly opting out or retiring. As a result, some 95 per cent of Catholic School teachers are lay instructors. Two generations ago, that figure was nearly reversed; lay teachers in Catholic Schools were a rarity. The non-uniformed civilian who didn’t teach religion.

Case in point: South Tampa’s Christ The King Catholic School, which is staffed, as it were, by the Salesian Sisters. All three of them. As of next school year, there will be none. All laity, all the time.

To Catholics, especially the generations who were taught almost exclusively by nuns, the loss of the tradition and the special symbolism is hardly shocking — simply sad and wistful. Catholic schools and nuns were synonymous.

Unencumbered by family priorities, they were totally committed. They had this unique calling that transcended “job” or “profession.” They had standards. They labored, well, religiously. They knew the value of discipline.

And they were overrated.

OK, that’s harsh, but hear me out. My credentials include being taught by St. Joseph’s nuns through the Philadelphia grammar schools of Holy Innocents and St. Timothy and by the Christian Brothers at La Salle High School. I can attest first-hand that even corporal punishment can be overdone. Martial arts, arguably, need not be incorporated into language arts. I lived George Carlin’s early material.

Back in the day, nuns didn’t need a college degree, and the same nun who drilled you on the rigors of math was supposed to teach you the finesse of rhetoric and composition — and everything else right through the middle school years. That would have been beyond Mr. Chips, let along Sister Margaret Mary. You also learned about the kind of stuff that could cost you salvation and how you could help salvage “pagan babies.” In eighth grade we were seated — 35 boys on one side, 35 girls on the other — according to academic rank, which seemed more humiliating than motivating to the usual academic laggards.

But here is the key point. We learned. Even the academic cabooses.

And, yes, there’s a place for rote memory, thank you. And homework was always checked — no, scrutinized — the following day. You were accountable for your actions — and there were consequences. An impressive test score or a scrupulously completed assignment brought a Blessed Mother or St. Joseph holy card. Miscreants could expect labor-intensive detention.

And then there was the summary notice to parents at the first sign of an apostate, a class clown or an academic malingerer. Likely in that order.

That parental nexus was the critical variable. Back when parents typically came in pairs. The nuns were imbued with what any teacher — regardless of academic credentials or pedagogical knowhow or lack thereof — must have: a reinforcing ally at home. En loco parentis should be so literal in today’s public schools.

For all their vows, habits and mystique, the nuns were simply instruments of parental priorities and extensions of parental oversight. You were sent to school to learn what was taught. That was your job. It wasn’t an option or an experience nuanced with psycho-babble, sociological verities or socio-economic excuses. Talk about empowerment. Your friends, your peer pressure, your television time, your threshold of pain, your hormones weren’t priorities. It all underscored the secret to any successful school: Parents worthy of parentage.

Parents who get involved in their kids’ lives and are supportive of the teachers. Parents who are actually on the same side as the teachers. Parents who don’t believe their “gifted” child is also a gift to teachers and don’t feel that their child’s individuality is compromised by school uniforms. Parents who don’t look at schools as one-stop social service agencies and don’t regard teachers as underachievers on the lam from the real world. Parents who take care of the civilizing part before sending their kids off for the formal schooling part.

That’s why the Catholic schools worked — and still work. Because parents demanded that they work, and they weren’t interested in a self-esteem curriculum for their tuition dollars.

The Catholic schools may have lost their nuns, but they haven’t lost their way. They are much more than secular institutions with Catechisms. They don’t need FCAT validation.

They need what all schools need. Parents with the right stuff. Amazingly, effective teaching will follow. That hasn’t changed.

But, OK, the nuns made the most of all that empowerment. And maybe I did deserve all that corporal punishment. Maybe I still do.

Barely A Priority

Have I been missing something? I mean REALLY missing something? I’m talking about the ongoing debate (there are two sides to this?) over the banning of “NUDITY In PUBLIC.” It’s shocking that everybody wouldn’t think a ban on people — with maybe a very few exceptions — being bare-assed naked in public wasn’t a good idea.

But, no, this is all about banning commercial nudity. That which takes place inside adult clubs. Where they have a cover charge and bouncers and keep the windows closed. The only ones ogling the naked — or whatever — are paying customers. The dancers aren’t exactly indentured servants. It may be a club full of voyeurs, strumpets and traveling salesmen, but they’re consenting voyeurs, strumpets and traveling salesmen.

Ultimately, we keep coming back to this fundamental issue: These are sleazy places run by First Amendment parasites. We’re embarrassed when out of town visitors or national media remind us of our strip club reputation. We cringe upon hearing that a Las Vegas marquee actually advertises “‘Tampa-style’ lap dances.” We see statistics about prostitution and correlations about crime and blight and figure they can’t all be selective and skewed.

But do we really want to use tax money to play the dicey, pricey ordinance-appeal game?

The city, which is hardly flush and where all the live nude clubs are, has other priorities.

The Board of County Commissioners, whose priorities aren’t always fathomable, just passed up an opportunity to put an anti-nudity ordinance on the November ballot. It was actually the right call and not just because unincorporated Hillsborough has no live nude clubs.

The commissioners — 10,000 signatures from the Citizens for Decency and two pro-ballot motions by Ronda Storms notwithstanding — did the prudent thing. They will wait and see what happens in Manatee County, which is currently in the throes of legal challenges to its own anti-nudity ordinance. Manatee is appealing a federal court rejection of its ban. If nothing else, some helpful options or guidelines may result.

In the mean time, don’t look for Joe Redner to open up an adult club in Mango.

“The Longest Movie”?

Oh, those PR-magnet Bucs. Head Coach Jon Gruden has agreed to be a (play-scripting) consultant — with a cameo still possible — for a re-make of “The Longest Yard,” the 1974 classic about a former pro quarterback-turned-prisoner who leads the inmates’ football team. The original starred Burt Reynolds in his prime. This one has Adam Sandler in over his head.

Fortunately after last season, Gruden has a lot of third-and-long calls handy.

But it could have been worse. How about a reprise of “Brian’s Son” starring 50 Cent and Eminem?

No Harm, No Foul?

Earlier this month former NBA player Jayson Williams was acquitted of manslaughter in the shotgun slaying of a limo driver at his New Jersey mansion. But he was found guilty of trying to cover up the shooting. No date has been set for the sentencing.

Let’s see if we have this right. Williams was convicted of four charges related to tampering with evidence, concocting a cover story for witnesses and trying to make the death look like a suicide. In other words Williams, who did not testify in his own defense, was guilty of covering up a non-crime. Air ball.

“The Punisher” Pleases Tampa

Was there ever a time when so many were so proud of such a bad movie? And rightly so. “The Punisher” is what it is. A gratuitously violent movie inspired by a comic book. It’s not family fare, although the Mansons do come to mind.

But Tampa looks terrific. The Chamber of Commerce could not have wished for more. It was worth millions in direct economic impact and millions more as a marketing coup.

Toilets Not Alleys?

Feeding the homeless is noble. There are plenty of places in Tampa that do just that. God bless them. But illegally feeding them on a Franklin Street park, unequipped with restrooms and other requisite facilities, seems increasingly an act of self-righteousness — not just civil disobedience. “Food Not Bombs”? Is that really the choice?

How about “Toilets Not Alleys”? Now, that would be helpful.

Fuelish Questions?

Fuel efficiency grows ever more critical to the American way of life. And two key questions continue to be asked. Until now, the answers have been unsatisfactory.

Q: What will it take for American consumers to buy an electric or some kind of hybrid vehicle?

A: An energy-efficient car that is not butt ugly.

Q: What would Jesus drive?

A: A Chrysler.

Of Moral Courage And Self-Interest

Hillsborough County’s controversial Moral Courage Award is supposed to go to those who stand up to government. Think whistle blower. Think Rosa Parks. But Egypt Lake pole protestors? Not to diminish their assertive, combative efforts in taking on TECO, but isn’t there a stark difference between “moral courage” and self-interest? Being righteously determined and being pissed off?