Category: Sardonic Side

           General Motors Corp. may just be getting serious about cost-cutting now that their top leaders embarrassed themselves before Congress and government loans seem contingent upon something other than GM saying they’re just too important to fail. Tiger Woods is out as a celebrity endorser for Buick, and GM is now studying whether it should drop some brands – such as Saturn, Saab and Pontiac.

            And — finally — Hummer.

            Suggestion: Sell off all Hummers to the Pentagon and Brinks, where they actually belong.

That was some kind of intriguing public hearing last week in Orlando where views were aired on evolution. The purpose: to influence the state Board of Education’s proposed science standard that evolution is the “fundamental concept underlying all of biology” and is “supported by multiple forms of scientific evidence.” Understandably, a myriad of scientific societies have signed on to that wording.

Polls, however, suggest the public is still split on the issue.

In seemingly unrelated news, another Elvis sighting was reported in Orange County, and a Panhandle waitress claimed a space alien was her common-law husband.

Isn’t it kind of, well, dumb that smart cars are still butt ugly?

They seem like three disparate incidents:

*The individuals who were attacked by a tiger in the San Francisco Zoo.

*The Riverview residents who were chased from their homes by a toxic cloud.

*The Florida politician who is determined to deal legislatively with those who let their pants hang too low in our public schools.

Then you look closer.

Sure, the zoo’s wall, it turns out, was lower than recommended. But a contributing factor was the razzing or taunting that had occurred. The three young men involved, one of whom was killed, all had marijuana in their systems and one had a blood alcohol level twice that of the D.U.I. threshold.

As for the ammonia leak, residents from more than 300 homes had to evacuate as a result of a local vandal drilling into the above-ground portion of pipeline. Stronger security measures were subsequently suggested by the Hillsborough County Emergency Operations Center, and Tampa Pipeline Corp. says most of the suggestions have already been implemented. The county also lauded emergency agencies for their quick response.

And state Democratic Senator Gary Siplin of Orlando has finally succeeded in pushing a bill to outlaw “sagging” drawers — sometimes called “jailing” — in school. It should reach the Senate floor in March. Siplin thinks it’s not hitting below the legislative belt to mandate that students pull up their pants in such a public venue. No butts about it.

The common thread here is behavior, whether around predatory animals at a zoo, around an exposed stretch of chemical pipeline or around the hips of Florida students.

A concomitant point is that authority invariably plays catch-up in such instances. And that’s because you can’t, ultimately, fix stupid.

Going on line is, among other things, a societal portal, a window of cultural confirmation. The headlines of the hour are illustrative – from “Trump Trashes Angelina Jolie” to “Ladies’ Laser Parties All The Buzz.”

And before touching a mouse, you can’t help but notice the “Hot Searches.” They are right above the headlines of the hour – in this case, “Are Girl Scout Cookies A Scam?” and “Does Your Diet Look Like This?” The Hot Searchees this day are Billy Zane, Gene Simmons, Nicole Richie and Mike Huckabee.

Maybe we should be inured to such context in a celebrity culture. Or maybe it’s actually a good sign that an erstwhile, dark horse presidential candidate had enough star-power wattage to bump Britney Spears from the “Hot Searches” short list.

Or maybe it really is all show business.

Charlie Wilson’s Irony

There are a lot of reasons to see “Charlie Wilson’s War,” the movie with a pocketful of Golden Globe nominations. But the performance of Philip Seymour Hoffman may be the best. His portrayal of a cynically pugnacious CIA operative was amazing. And this, mind you, is the same actor who won an Oscar last year for his portrayal of Truman Capote. How’s that for range?

One caveat: “Charlie Wilson’s War” is top heavy with geo-political irony. It hangs over much of the movie like celluloid black crepe. Once the Mujahadeen had demoralized the Soviets and chased them out of Afghanistan with U.S.-supplied arms, they didn’t exactly beat them into ploughshares. As we well know.

Last week’s “New Year’s Resolutions for Other People” item referenced those who unilaterally extend fireworks season beyond New Year’s Eve. No need to revisit the obvious rationales.

In a similarly improbable vein, we now call upon the television networks to also resolve to do something contrary to their nature when the subject is sports, especially football. When a play is over please refrain — with exceptions, of course — from lingering on individual players as a matter of course.

It’s now way beyond “reaction shots.”

What you typically get — whether the player made a play or was merely in the stadium at the time — is some over-the-top, juvenile demonstration of look-at-me boorishness. Please do not enable and reward such asinine histrionics. It’s not football; it’s football as cheap lounge act.

In fact, if you don’t show such shots, you would remove much of the incentive to behave this way. Instead you’ll be left to chronicle legitimate enthusiasm.

What a concept.

It’s said that if you’re over 50, you’ve probably experienced this: You’re at a checkout counter waiting to pay and the 20-something clerk is seemingly oblivious to you while chatting on a cell phone. And seemingly annoyed that you are annoyed.

Well, they have a term for it: “Service gap.”

They also have a rationale for it: It’s not that such employees are lazy or rude or nasty. It’s just that the “millennial generation’s” definition of customer service is different from that of baby boomers. And that’s because their shopping experiences are much more impersonal, often done via the Internet or by phone. Etc.

Is that a crock or what?

It may be called “service gap,” but it’s also called not doing your job, something that any generation should be able to relate to.

How’s this for a New Year’s resolution? No fireworks after, say, New Year’s Eve. Especially the really, really loud stuff at night when you’re walking your dog or bedding down early after too much holiday partying.

Of course, it’s personal.

Perhaps you saw the recent story about the increase in human-grizzly bear encounters in the northern Rockies and the resultant deaths of hunters who stumble across them in the wild.

In an Associated Press account, Vic Workman, Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks commissioner, is quoted as saying: “You’ve got grizzly bears eating people who come here to hunt.”

Not to be cold-hearted, but in such hunt-and-hunted scenarios, isn’t everything pretty much fair game?

In the aftermath of that Riverview youth drilling into an ammonia pipe – and resultant evacuations, school closings and environmental harm – talk has turned to pipeline vulnerabilities. A network of more than 900 miles carries gas and hazardous liquids regionally.

It’s been pointed out that a better job of protecting pipes can be done. Of course, it can. It always can – but at some point we reach cost-risk-odds scenarios. And the ultimate bottom line: You can’t fix stupid.