Category: Sardonic Side

Both dailies prominently featured the recent concert appearance of Sting. He was backed up by an animated Steven Mercurio conducting London’s Royal Philharmonic Concert Orchestra. The venue, it was noted, was the 1-800-ASK-GARY Amphitheatre.

Anyone else think this? 1-800-HOW-DUMB. And how embarrassingly cheesy for the area. The region, if not Live Nation, deserves better than this. Ford had a better idea.

This just in. After nearly a year, a 12-member panel has released its review of last summer’s fiasco that resulted in the high-profile cuffing of Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates. The conclusion: Gates’ arrest was avoidable.

Not avoidable: A lengthy review of the manifestly obvious.

Last Sunday’s papers included those feel-good, holiday features on fatherhood.  Now more than ever, we need them. Just one thing. Not to be too old school here, but are the  pickings that slim for prominent athletes that we can’t highlight some fathers who actually married their girlfriends?

The 1-800-ASK-GARY Amphitheatre.  South Of The Border never looked so classy. So, what else was in the running? 1-800-4-PLAY VIDEO? 1-800-OXY-CODONE? 1-800-BLEEP-GARY?  This area deserved better, even if Live Nation didn’t. Ford had a better idea.

Here’s a suggestion for candidates in political races. It has nothing to do with 527 groups or negative campaigns or party credit cards or Croesus-rich candidates. Just this. Could we agree to a moratorium on certain phrases that have lost their meaning through overuse and underperformance? For starters:

*”For the people.” Who else? Surely, not the evil-doing special interests. This includes anyone running for governor without a party affiliation.

*”For a change.” Indeed. Avoid political clichés for a real change.

*”Making a difference.” It should be obvious by what you propose. If not, a hackneyed slogan surely won’t make any difference.

*”Accountability.” Can’t it just be assumed that you and every member of the electorate are decidedly in favor of accountability? Just get on with your agenda.

* “Walk the walk.” You’re still talking the rhetorical talk.  

* “Best thing since sliced bread.” Actually “iPad” works a lot better and ups your hip quotient.

*”Pork.” That’s other politicians’ community-benefiting projects. Don’t denounce it unless you’re without earmark sin.

*”Nazi.” Unless we’re talking crimes against humanity or a Seinfeldian (“soup Nazi”) parody, avoid it. It’s a cheap-shot device for demonizing the opposition. Can erode whatever moral high ground you deign to claim. And, yes, it applies to the current immigration debate.

*”In a recent poll.”  Unless you can site sampling specifics, including how the questions were worded and to whom addressed, please refrain. You can find — or commission — a poll to show anything.

*”Creative solutions.” Permissible only if you haven’t trafficked in any of the above.

Likely upshot of the Hillsborough County schools’ calendar committee recommendation that the Christian holy day, Good Friday, be declared an official school holiday: Bigger crowds at the beaches.

So be it. The people have spoken: Don’t mess with spring break.

Among those weighing in on the reckless rhetoric so prevalent in today’s politics: former President Bill Clinton.  “The words we use really do matter,” ironically noted Clinton, the erstwhile presidential parser.

Headline we’ll never see: “Owners of pit bulls and pythons that kill children to be euthanized.”

The Navy recently announced that by year’s end it will ban smoking inside its submarines. According to Vice Adm. John J. Donnelly, Commander of the Navy’s Submarine Forces, studies had shown unacceptable levels of second-hand smoke when the subs were submerged.

Good idea. Obviously. But one big begged question: the Navy is just now getting around to banning smoking on, of all things, submarines?

* “Sure, my reputation as ‘God’s Rottweiler’ and uber micro-manager was well-deserved. With that one exception.” — Pope Benedict XVI.

*”So, we’re doling out, what, about $3-4 billion a year to Israel — not counting commercial loan guarantees. They insult my veep. We seem to want peace more than they do. I’d rather deal with Glenn Beck than Bibi Netanyahu.” — President Barack Obama.

* “Frankly, we all wanted a single-payer health-care system. So, actually, it’s really not that big a f—— deal.” — Vice President Joe Biden.

* “So, if it’s cool to rally around an against-the-odds, black chess team because it celebrates diversity and undermines a stereotype, is it equally acceptable to root for a de facto underdog, all-white basketball team in the NCAA Tournament?” — Bill O’Reilly.

* “I’m a pragmatic, common-sense conservative, always have been. You can look it up. It’s on my brochure.” — Florida Governor and Senate candidate Charlie Crist.

* “Yeah, but it was a helluva back waxing.” — Florida Senate candidate Marco Rubio.

* “I view public service as a calling, something you do to try to help other people. And the more offices you run for, the more help you can be.” — Florida Governor and Senate candidate Charlie Crist.

* “I wouldn’t have hugged Obama, and I wouldn’t have embraced the stimulus money. But I would have taken it off-stage. This is the Great Recession and this is post-Ponzi Florida. I might be the glib poster lad for Tea Partiers, but I’m not stupid.” — Florida Senate candidate Marco Rubio.

* “What’s really the bottom line here? Whether you call ’em earmarks or earwax, they’re for my state and my constituents — who happen to like ’em. A lot. That’s all that matters.” — Florida Senate Candidate Kendrick Meek.

* “Candidly, I don’t think our ‘individual mandate’ suit has a snowball’s chance against the supremacy and commerce clauses — unless we mandate an ‘individual waiver.’ You know, ‘No insurance, no emergency room. I’m rolling the dice.'” — Florida Attorney General and Gubernatorial candidate Bill McCollum.

* “Don’t read too much into that (Orlando Sentinel reporter) apology of mine. It was a token gesture. Never forget, I always have my players’ backs, especially if an innocent, imprecise comment (such as a wide receiver saying UF will now have a ‘real’ quarterback when he meant ‘traditional’) makes a player look bad, especially if he is referring to Tim Tebow. Then it gets Twittered all over the country in an instant. And speaking of Tim, how ironic it will be when his successor, the — dare I say — rifle-armed, more ‘traditional’ John Brantley, is actually drafted higher than Tim. But don’t quote me on that.” — Urban Meyer.

* “My nominal dignity and what little is left of my shredded self-respect remain at issue. Better late than never. I resign.” — suspended Hillsborough County Administrator Pat Bean.

* “I only go to Hamburger Mary’s for the food.” — Brian Blair.

* “I know free agency looms, and I could cash in big with the Yankees. But, you know, I’m already rich, and I like it here and, well, I don’t want to help the Yankees buy another pennant at the expense of the Rays. It’s not fair. Book it. I’m a Ray for life.” — Rays’ All-Star outfielder Carl Crawford.

* “Actually, I don’t know how anybody roots for us. It’s like cheering for Goliath or Bernie Madoff.”  New York Yankees’ shortstop Derek Jeter.

* “No one feels worse than I do. As a result, I’m giving all this money back.” — Pat Burrell, Rays’ high-priced, designated  out.

* “Of course not. But I love the speculation.” — former Mayor Dick Greco.

* “This time I really like our chances of landing the (GOP) convention. There’s no post 9/11 sentiment for New York, we haven’t had any hurricane scares in a while, Phoenix and Salt Lake City can’t compete with a Super Bowl city in the nation’s biggest swing state and we no longer have Jeb Bush caring only about Miami.” — Al Austin.

* “Of course, I can get out of control. It’s my nature. But I’m not crazy. Notice I didn’t slap a brother. It was a middle class, white walk-on.” — Jim Leavitt, former head football coach, USF.

* “Too bad the TV blackout wasn’t last year. Fewer people would have seen awful football.” — Bucs’ co-chairman Joel Glazer.

**I know it was yesterday. Close enough. April Fool’s.