Category: Sardonic Side

Imagine, the new conservative Dutch government is on record for wanting to force the country’s marijuana (“coffee houses”) cafes to become members-only clubs. In effect, it would preclude foreigners–aka tourists–from sampling some weed. Cafe owners and the Union of Cannabis Retailers are not pleased.

Not to wax too nostalgic over Amsterdam’s cannabisness, but I can still remember–well, call it a cultural rush–stammering out a menu order for: “Two lattes, a space cake and a jumbo joint.”

The use of marijuana for medical purposes is legal in 14 states. The use of Four Loko for non-medical purposes is legal in 46 states.

Nostalgia, I guess, just ain’t what it used to be.

I saw this concert headline in one of the metro dailies last Saturday: “2 Live Crew To Offer Trip Down Memory Lane.” Honest.

Uniforms for public school students? Yes. There are enough, manifestly evident distractions to the learning process. Where you can eliminate one of them, do so. In fact, put the ACLU in uniforms too. Anything but ideological “personal freedom” straitjackets.

Looks like the Rev(iled) Terry Jones–of “International Burn A Koran Day” infamy–is not, mercifully, capitalizing on his “10 Minutes of Fame” in Gainesville. The turnout for his “Stand Up America” rally at the Tampa Convention Center barely drew double figures–or one attendee per minute of fame.

The gall-and-money candidate–oops, there’s been more than one: make that the guy with the Mike Tyson, bizarre yacht-sorties and notorious subprime-shorter back story–is still at it. Jeff Greene has blamed the St. Petersburg Times and Miami Herald for his one-sided loss to Kendrick Meek in the Democratic primary for the U.S. Senate. Actually, it’s blame in the form of a libel lawsuit.

Who knew you could sue for definition of character?

Could it be that the Vatican is using the same PR firm as Tiger Woods?

After reeling from more than a decade of sex-abuse scandals, the Catholic Church still can’t level with itself or the outside world. Faced with an unconscionable –likely endemic–outrage, it seems satisfied to order incremental improvements in the detection and punishment of pedophiles in its midst. For example, it recently lengthened the number of years that canonical charges can be brought against sexual transgressors from 10 to 20 years. But bishops remain unaccountable for sexual abuse by priests on their watch.

The Church still sees no connection between celibacy and those who answer its vocational call. But worse than a myopic take on recruits, it has now perversely equated pedophilia with the ordination of women.

That was the upshot of its recent categorization of a crime and a tradition. They’re both awful, according to the Vatican. The broader context was the inclusion of an attempt to ordain women on a short list of “more grave offenses.” Also making the MGO list: pedophilia, heresy, apostasy and schism.

Actually, it’s more than female-priest candidates who should be offended. Heretics, apostates and schismatics would also seem to have a case.

Three things that crossed my mind when I watched highlights of John Daly’s opening round 66 at the recent British Open. Redemption. He’s kept the weight off. How about a dress code for golfers?

*We’ve all seen those annual AP wire photos showing the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. The ones with locals and tourists dashing here and darting there mugging for cell-phone cameras amid  confused, stampeding bulls. Anyone else root for the bulls?

*First, the good news. Iran is in the spotlight for something that doesn’t involve centrifuges.

The bad news: It involves stoning as a form of capital punishment. The government, however, has announced that it is reviewing death by stoning as the proper punishment for adultery for an Iranian widow. But it may be a pyrrhic victory for the condemned. Adultery is still a capital offense, and she may yet be hanged.  

In other Persian happenings, the Culture Ministry has released an official catalog of culturally appropriate haircuts for men. No surprise: mullets, pony tails and excessive spikes are out. Among acceptable Islamic cuts, according to a government poster: an incongruous Conway Twitty pompadour and medium sideburns. But, no, the rumor mill is not rife with reports of a new Mahmoud Ahmadinejad presidential coif.

*They look like characters from “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” or “It Came From Outer Space.” You know, those glassy-gaze folks who are so wired and absorbed that passersby or intersection traffic are not priorities. Well, help is on the way for them–and the rest of us. Technology may not save us from ourselves, but the marketplace is trying to respond to cell-phone oblivion for those who walk among us. Next generation apps now include: Text Vision, Type n Walk and Email ‘n Walk. Remember when walking was pretty much a, well, pedestrian experience?

Once again we are reminded of the national embarrassment that is Americans’ knowledge gap when it comes to history. Most notably, our own. A recent poll by the nonprofit Marist Institute for Public Opinion found that more than a quarter of those surveyed didn’t know that the United States achieved its independence from Britain.

This, of course, should surprise no one. This is merely the latest of innumerable surveys that disconcertingly remind us that history — as well as geography — remain in the forefront of America’s manifest dumbing-down. 

Here’s a suggestion, one prompted by recent 4th of July celebrations. Some of which involved setting off cherry bombs after midnight as well as on days that are not actually the 4th of July. If you have pets, you know it’s more than inconsiderate holiday hijinks by the usual suspects.

So how about a user’s test? If you think the first president was Pocahontas or that the United States won its independence from Halliburton, you are ineligible to buy 4th of July fireworks.