Category: Sardonic Side

*Comic books and movies were separate entities?

*Those attending a funeral, especially a military one, didn’t need to be reminded to dress appropriately?

*It was NOT football season?

*Listening was part of public discourse?

*Waiters at fine, romantic restaurants didn’t address heterosexual couples as “you guys”?

*Such classy restaurants didn’t include televisions — with a continuous loop of sports fare — as part of their ambience package?

*Defendants in high-profile, criminal trials weren’t referenced by only their first names– from “Saddam” to “Casey”?

*A manifestly smart and witty person such as William F. Buckley Jr. spoke for conservatives?

*It actually made sense to not have normalized relations with Cuba?

*The appropriate response to “thank you” was “you’re welcome” — not “no problem”?

*The NFL and the NBA were more about their sport than their show-biz spectacle?

*Free speech wasn’t a legal rationale shared by “Super PACs” and lap dancers?

*September 11 was just another day?

*Highly successful high school football and basketball programs didn’t already look like the next level?

*”Profiling” someone only meant getting a side view?

*John Travolta was a student of Mr. Kotter — not Mr. Hubbard?

*Nobody needed directions with their baseball cap or underwear?

*In loco parentis was the guiding principle for colleges?

*The only big-time, professional sport in Tampa Bay was soccer?

*There were still some places where you didn’t dare wear shorts and flip-flops — even in Florida?

*We had finally arrived at the realization that energy independence was necessary and dependence on autocratic oil sheikdoms insane?

*(Pre-iPod) pedestrians didn’t resemble a scene from “The Invasion of the Body Snatchers”?

*Everybody knew –without benefit of video, mentors or grants — who the good teachers were and why the bad ones were so bad?

*Usage of the words “awesome” and “notoriety” still resembled their meanings?

*USF was the biggest school in the country without a football team?

*A legitimate difference of political philosophy was not synonymous with zero-sum endgame?

*Teen music had goofy or sappy — but never mean or misogynistic — lyrics?

*Aptly named “trash talk” wasn’t part of popular sports parlance?

*Nothing beat network TV for really important news updates?

*You wouldn’t see a well-dressed, well-coiffed, attractive woman with tattoos?

*”White Out” was an invaluable work desk staple?

*Undereducated, glib hucksters and panderers weren’t seen as ideological-guru material?

*Most conversational exchanges weren’t, like, extended similes?

*No one needed to know what “jihad” meant?

*The American economic engine was more about making stuff than deriving, trading or spinning off stuff?

*Men comprised majorities in both medical and law schools?

*”With all due respect” meant something other than a disingenuous preface to biting, disrespectful criticism?

*Hyphens weren’t routinely affixed to underscore our racial and ethnic diversity?

*Rail was the consensus must-have mode of transportation for all communities aspiring to compete in the 21st century?

*The caucus in Iowa was seen for what it was worth: unimportant — because the silo vote was hardly reflective of the rest of America?

*The University of Tampa — with its ever-dwindling enrollment — was increasingly considered a viable downtown campus for USF?

*”Red China” was a godless, communist enemy not a big bond-holder and economic competitor?

*”Country first” was not some naive, dated concept?

*The teaching of civics was a given?

*We all agreed that the United States had learned — the hard way — a critically important economics lessons in 1937?

*You never thought you would miss President Reagan?

Not to sound incorrigibly old school, but wasn’t there a time when:

*Listening was part of public discourse?

*The American economic engine was much more about making stuff than deriving or trading stuff?

*Hyphens weren’t routinely affixed to underscore our racial and ethnic diversity?

*It actually made sense to not have normalized relations with Cuba?

*We all agreed that the United States had learned — the hard way — a criticallyimportant economics lesson in 1937?

*No one knew — or needed to know — what “jihad” meant?

*Rail was the consensus must-have mode of transportation for all communities aspiring to compete in the 21st century?   *”Free speech” wasn’t a legal
rationale shared by “Super PACs” and lap dancers?

*Those attending a funeral, especially a military one, didn’t need to be reminded to dress appropriately?

*John Travolta was a student of Mr. Kotter — not Mr. Hubbard

*The teaching of civics was a given?

*September 11 was just another day?

Sounds like Johnny Carson’s old hunter character, “Floyd R. Turbo, American,” was being channeled the other night at a public hearing in Plant City. The issue: Should hunters have more access to Swiftmud land?

Those in opposition: Those who don’t much care to be around people with guns when they are bird watching or horseback riding. Plus those who can’t help but see a correlation between disappearing wild life and more hunters. Plus those, presumably, who just can’t embrace the concept that hunting is a “sport” and there are those who actually enjoy killing, even if it’s usually limited to “mere” animals.

Those speaking for hunters included: Newton Cook, executive director of United Waterfowlers of Florida, and Chuck Echenique.

Cook’s best lines:

* “There’s always some people who are against hunting on the (state water agency) staff. They think it’s dangerous or whatever.”
* “Horseback riding is multiple times more hazardous to the rider and the bystander than hunting is.”

Echenique’s best line:

*”Hunters are hikers.”

You can’t make this up. Whatever else is killed, Floyd R. Turbo lives.

Say this about Prince William’s wife Kate, the photogenic Duchess of Cambridge: That is absolutely as good as a woman can possibly look in a really dumb hat.

The failure of that (heretofore merely histrionically obnoxious) congressman from New York to garage his Weinermobile, has resulted in yet another rehash of male politicos behaving abominably. For once, it would have been refreshing to at least hear true candor–forget contrition–uttered in acknowledgement of the obvious:

            “I’m a disingenuous, duplicitous piece of testosterone-entitling flotsam. I’m more sorry for my imploding career than for anyone I betrayed and hurt. I’m getting what I deserve. I can’t even govern myself. I’m outta here before I start spinning about seeking blatantly self-serving, PR help.”

Where there’s political protocol, there’s politeness and plaudits–and hyperbole. It all comes with the territory. Politicians, like Art Linkletter children, say the darnest things.

Hence, the love-in dynamics the other night at Tampa’s GOP Lincoln Day Dinner. All the movers and shakers were there, including Gov. Scott, who had been shunned by the Republican establishment until he actually became governor. Now he’s the head True Believer, the outspoken antithesis of everything Obama, and the recipient of gratuitous compliments. Of course he is.  

But was it necessary for Attorney General Pam Bondi to go for the gushing? In her fawning introduction of Scott, Bondi rhapsodized that the governor was “the kindest, smartest, most generous man … .”

Does Bondi know so few men?

As diversions go, the recent royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton was pleasant enough. Two seemingly nice, bright young people were married amid monarchial pomp, circumstance and weird hats. “Upstairs, Downstairs” on ‘roids.

But what we were truly witnessing was more than quaint, time-warp spectacle. It was also a look inside a truly parallel universe. Where else could someone be born to parents who became rich, live on a lush estate, attend the priciest, most prestigious schools–and be a “commoner”?

Now that its dirty little secret is out, it’s obvious that Victoria’s Secret needs an erroneous-zone fix.

It became public when a customer saw what was done with a pair of recently purchased, still unworn, hotsy sweatpants she had just returned to the Westshore Plaza store. The clerk gave her a refund — and then gave her an unexpected peek into VS return policy when she began cutting the pants in half.  The rationale: Wouldn’t want those cute “Pink” sweats, however nigh on to new, to somehow find their way to resellers and outrageously unfashionable second-hand stores.

Only if your clients were Tiger Woods or Charlie Sheen would you think there was no need to address this manifestly obvious public-relations disaster. Only if your market strategy was limited to seducing the obscenely amoral and profligate. Only if you had outsourced your corporate conscience during the Great Recession.

Corporate heads should roll on this one. Survivors should be made to sport knock-off hair shirts for conduct unbecoming normal, decent people.  

If I’m The Spring or Metropolitan Ministries or the Jim Norman-less Salvation Army, I’m already on the case. If VS doesn’t get it — as well as some fellow retail cut-ups such as Macy’s and H&M — then bludgeon them with some (seemingly) socially-responsible marketing advice. To wit: “Pretend you’re doing the right thing for the right reason. Let the public think that you really do think those down on their luck may deserve to spruce up a bit too.”

In short, “Work with us. You, of all retailers, understand image — and the self-serving concept of something for everybody. We’ll call it: ‘The Returns That Keep On Giving.'”

Move over Hawkeye, Radar and Col. Potter. There’s this other “MASH” unit.

Would you believe Military Atheists and Secular Humanists? That’s an organization formed at Fort Bragg, N.C. to ensure fair treatment for nonbelievers–from agnostics to atheists–in what is America’s overwhelmingly Christian military. Fort Bragg, of course, is better known as the home of the Army’s Green Berets.

“We exist. We’re here. We’re normal,” says MASH founder, Sgt. Justin Griffith. “We’re also in foxholes.”

Sounds like a line made for Alan Alda.

Some things you just can’t make up. To wit:                                                                                      *Multi-millionaire Gov. Rick Scott is, indeed, making an annual salary of $0.01. Early impressions indicate he may be overpaid.                                                                                        *The NFL is a business that’s worth $9 billion in annual revenues. But owners, who have  long benefited from a form of guaranteed-profit socialism, and players, obscenely rewarded for playing a game, remain at an impasse as to how to slice that outrageously profitable pie. The upshot is there could be a player lock out in early March. The cancellation of free agency, training camps and the 2011 season could then follow. What Great Recession?  Frankly, a pigskin pox on both houses.                                                                                                                                     *Although it’s often marketed as incense, so-called “synthetic pot” is said to have a skunky aroma. But it won’t be available much longer at head shops and convenience stores if the Florida Legislature gets its way. A Senate committee wants it outlawed as part of the ongoing battle against drugs. That’s because buyers apparently use it to get a buzz and sometimes overdo  it. That has led to a number of calls to poison-control hotlines. Here’s the bottom line, whether it’s sold as “K2,” “Spice” or some other labeling: Synthetic pot can cause vertigo, severe nausea, headaches and vomiting. It also stinks. But other than that, an awesome high.                                                *We all know about First Amendment loopholes. But here’s a new one. Ol’ Glory beer now includes the Pledge of Allegiance on its cans. Frustrated federal regulators have acknowledged that it’s a freedom of speech issue. The red, white and blue cans even include this jingoistic reminder: “A drink of Ol’ Glory is a salute to America.” But, no, it’s not unpatriotic to belch.                                                                                                                                                  *Save the date: Just in case you missed it, a Christian group has determined that the end of the world will begin on May 21. Yes, that’s a weekend.