Category: Sardonic Side

When was the last time the phrase “with all due respect” preceded anything that was remotely respectful?

This just in: The National Assessment of Education Progress, charged with assessing how well students (in grades 8 and 12) write using computers, has determined that three out of four are not proficient in writing.

OMG, like how did this happen? WTF. GTG. ::poof:: 🙁

Queen Elizabeth II has received rave reviews for her cameo in the 007 sendup with actor Daniel Craig that was part of the Olympics’ opening night ceremony. She even delivered her line, “Good evening, Mr. Bond,” in one royal take of world class parody. One that seemingly resonated with international audiences as well as the usually caustic British press. Helen Mirren couldn’t have done a better turn.

Too bad, however, that the Queen couldn’t so much as deign to smile during her official welcoming of the world to the London-hosted 30th Olympiad–or in any of the cutaway shots showing her as monarch-spectator. She was, alas, expressionless and looked out of sorts.

Perhaps she was conserving further animation for the next day when she would be visiting the Olympic Village and riding to the top of the Orbit tower next to the stadium. Or perhaps a long day was taking its toll on the 86-year-old monarch. Or perhaps it was just awful timing; constipation is never convenient.

Maybe Scott actually learned something from his May trade-mission visit to Spain and that much-maligned gaffe-fest with King Juan Carlos over elephant hunting. This time you had to go online to confirm that he was really in England last week and actually attended the Farnborough International Air Show where he did, indeed, speak with Prime Minister David Cameron about aerospace-sector jobs.

No indication, however, that he was granted an audience with Queen Elizabeth, although rumor has it that he was trying out opening lines just in case. According to the same pernicious rumor-mongers, these had made his Juan Carlos sequel short list:

*”How goes the hat collection? Here’s a Tampa Bay Rays’ cap–just like I gave President Obama. Go ahead, try it on. Actually backwards is the cool way.”

*”So the IRA aren’t terrorists anymore?  You don’t really believe that?”

*”I thought Helen Mirren kicked ass as you in ‘The Queen.’ What was your take?”

*”You look more like a queen than Latifah, that’s for sure.”

*”So when the hell will Charlie be King?”

*”I hear the hostage toss will be an Olympic event this year.”

When it rains hard, even for a relatively short period of time, Bayshore Boulevard floods. Seemingly in nanoseconds. The sewers, as we well know, overwhelm easily. If you’re driving along Bayshore during a downpour, you have three options, one of which is exercised far more than the others. Those options are:

* Slow to about 5 mph so as not to create a major wake zone and risk under-the-hood damage to your vehicle, even if it’s riding high on over-sized tires.

* Quickly opt for alternate routes to wherever you’re going, keeping in mind that such alternatives are only blocks, at most, away.

* Continue to drive like an idiot.

The Twitter world has been all, well, atwitter over the mascot possibilities of Florida’s 12th university, Florida Polytechnic. They range from the relatively prosaic Poly Polymers to the delightfully silly PolyWannaCrackers. One media outlet offered the dead-on “The Fighting Alexanders.” This column still prefers “The Political Polyps.”

Anyone else think this?

* Come on, España. You’ve just come into a half-billion dollars in treasure from that salvaged 19th century ship of yours. At least pay a finder’s fee or salvage expenses to Odyssey. Or maybe just a lukewarm “gracias.”

* The headline read: “Teen Allegedly Stole AK-47.” A 13-year-old, who was helping his maid- mother clean a Hernando house, was charged with grand theft. The Hernando sheriff used the occasion to publicly remind gun owners to properly secure their firearms.

But somebody had an AK-47, several rounds of ammo and several magazines? Another Second Amendment update.

Re: The husband who was found guilty of setting his wife on fire. He claimed that he had been tied up by his wife and an armed, (red devil) masked accomplice and nearly shot in the head and burned to death before he miraculously escaped. Anyone else think: What the hell could the first draft of this story have been?

Just asking, but who’s really a bigger threat to an advanced placement world history class? CAIR’s Hassan Shibly or the tolerance-challenged, porn-again Christian David Caton?