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Toys From Twats

The most bizarre holiday story this side of Barry Brunstein packing airliner heat had to be the 1,000 toys bestowed upon Without Walls International Church in Tampa. The church hands out new toys and food each year to needy families.

These particular toys, however, had been collected at the Déjà Vu strip club on Adamo Drive. Donors in this annual event were needy voyeurs who exchanged gifts for a drive-by peep at women baring their holiday spirit.

Church officials were initially flummoxed when told the tit-for-tat tale. They later did the right thing by accepting the gifts, however donated, that made needy kids happy.

They’ve given no indication, however, that they will participate in future “Toys From Twats” campaigns.

Make American Talibum Earn Leniency

What to do with John Walker, the Taliban’s favorite American? He turned his back on his country and culture, but that could be said for most of Marin County, CA. Anyway, he’s something of square peg in the legal morass over treason.

Already there’s a public relations’ campaign initiated by the attorney retained by Walker’s parents to sanitize his treasonous, terrorist-trafficking image. Perhaps enough baby pictures will spare him the death penalty.

But here’s a way out.

Cut him a break — but make the American Talibum earn it. Not by making up worthless intelligence, but by serving the country he had foresworn. With a clean bill of health, as well as a shave, haircut and unaccented English, send him back. This time to Tora Bora.

Gen. Tommy Franks, head of U.S. Central Command, has proposed sending U.S. Marines there to comb the wild terrain and dig their way into presumably abandoned caves. Some of these caves, of course, could still be quartering al-Qaeda snipers. Even more likely are booby-traps.

But someone has to actually go in these caves. It’s problematic if all Afghan allies can be persuaded to do this heaviest of lifting. That means some Marines could be at risk.

To paraphrase Mission Impossible, “John Walker, your assignment, should you decide to accept it as a way of undoing some of what you’ve done and as a means of saving your pencil neck, is to be the point man for a lot of Tora Bora cave searches. Your nearly worthless life is worth risking — much more than some Marine serving his country and protecting people such as you.”

Or do you want your attorney to keep those baby pictures coming?

The Joke’s On Us

Did you hear the one about Laughlab? That’s the British-based, scientific study of the world’s funniest jokes, with ostensible allowances for national differences.

The Germans, it turns out, are more easily amused than most. Which should have been a rib-tickler of a red flag right there. The (“Heil Honey, I’m home”) Germans haven’t exactly been known as the cut-ups of Western civilization. Germany wasn’t even the funniest of the Axis powers.

Anyhow, one of the favorite jokes among Germans was: “Why is television called a medium? Because it is neither rare nor well-done.”

Ernie Kovacs might have been flattered.

Simian simile gets chief fired

They didn’t monkey around in St. Petersburg. The forces of political correctness got what they wanted: the head of Police Chief Mack Vines. Mayor Rick Baker, who would give tremulous a bad name, fired him.

Vines was done in by the simile police who were outraged that he would liken an “orangutan” to an unruly, resistant suspect who had to be dragged out of the window of a pickup by several officers. Said suspect was a black man.

Perhaps Vines should have gone with the generic “madman” or “crazy man” or even garden-variety “lunatic.” But to belittle, in effect, the mentally and emotionally challenged is probably beyond insensitivity today. Neither did he utter the culturally chancy “whirling dervish” or the ADA-alerting “spastic.”

No, it was “orangutan.”

There were some phone calls and the usual suspects took the usual umbrage. The city’s employee relations director investigated. A Vines’ apology for having “offended individuals from the African-American community” was not enough. This was a fire-able offense. No counseling. No hair shirt. No second chance. Termination.

Mayor Baker, who has less backbone than, well, an orangutan, summed up the travesty nicely. After acknowledging that he didn’t think Vines’ reference was intended to be racially based, Baker said the simian simile, “however innocently made

Targeting civilization

For the longest time, it seemed the moral high ground in the blood-soaked, Israeli-Palestinian conflict had degenerated into an amoral crater large enough to accommodate both sides.

Where there are Hamas and Islamic Jihad; there were Irgun and the Stern Gang. Where there is an Intifada, there is an arrogant, provocative settlement policy.

But amid all the tit-for-tat violence and carnage, this much must be acknowledged.

Regardless of history, politics or injustices, nobody but nobody targets the innocent the way Islamic militants do. In Israel. In America. In India. In The Philippines. In lieu of civilized standards.

And having done so, proceeds to celebrate the heinous acts. Moreover, nobody recruits suicide bombers — with perverse promises of Paradise and posthumous family payoffs — the way Islamic militants do. And having done so, proceeds to venerate murdering “martyrs.”

Nobody considers discos, pizzerias and city buses legitimate grievance targets the way Islamic militants do. And nobody looks at “infidels,” however defined and rationalized, as fair game the way Islamic militants do.

And to think, this isn’t even “about Islam.”

Reno reaction ill-advised

Just when you think the Florida Legislature’s special session, also known as Fiscal Food Fight ’02, couldn’t get much more bizarre, it does. Thanks, in part, to Janet Reno. But even more thanks to Cuban-American legislators.

Last week Reno, the former U.S. attorney general who’s running for governor, turned up in Tallahassee and was introduced as a guest to the House by North Miami Beach Democrat Rep. Sally Heyman. This prompted about a dozen legislators, mostly the usual suspects from Miami-Dade County, to walk out.

Nice touch. And great for the “cause.”

“We weren’t disrespectful,” sniffed Rep. Mario Diaz-Balart, R-Miami. “We didn’t hiss.” The hiss-less demonstration, of course, was the Cuban-American delegation’s way of reminding Reno — and everyone else, thank you — that they neither forget nor forgive her for deciding to return Elian Gonzalez to his Cuban father last year.

The unflappable Reno didn’t indicate if she were hissed-off or not by the walkout. Deep down, however, she had to know it couldn’t hurt.

Having a bunch of grandstanding South Florida Cuban-Americans walk out could, if anything, earn sympathy for Reno. It’s also a reminder that even if you disagreed with Reno’s Elian position, you could still respect her stand in the face-off with the forces of outrage and intimidation. Finally, how much can you be hurt by a demonstration by those who discredited themselves nationally over the Elian affair?

Waytogo, Mario.

(Politically) Correct priorities at USF

According to USF officials, more than $15 million in budget cuts will force a “culture shift” at the university that will take the form of reduced course offerings, bigger classes and fewer adjunct professors and perhaps support staff as well. Layoffs are in the offing. A hiring freeze will only be waived when the job is “justified.”

All this, including holding classes at rented movie theaters at University Mall, is regrettable but understandable with a $1.3 billion state budget shortfall.

But there will be money — and more than $100,000 at that — available for USF’s first diversity chief. It’s not enough that universities, including USF, are already enclaves of political correctness and citadels of ethnic-racial-cultural-sexual orientation-but-not-ideologic-diversity.

USF needs a $101,000-a-year associate vice president for diversity and equal opportunity the way it needs more black basketball players. Hmmm. Actually, isn’t this part of a too-much, too-late public relations campaign to help distance USF from that embarrassing racial discrimination suit brought by all those black women’s basketball players?

Call it reparations money. Or just call it an institutionally “justified” hire.

What “culture shift”?

Vested interest

Product placement is nothing new to American movie fans. The pricey practice has even given rise to ethical questions, such as those involving tobacco products. But it’s perfectly legal, of course, and can be an effective way to promote a product in a high-profile, even positive, context.

Which brings us to The Protective Group, an American manufacturer of military and law-enforcement equipment that includes protective vests. The kind Osama bin Laden fancies.

Sure enough, one was on display in the infamous “Bin Laden, Done That” video the world has been watching. No mistaking the care-and-use label on the olive drab number featured in the video.

What to do? Two things.

First, express patriotic outrage.

“I am horrified that our enemies are using our products,” said Melvyn Miller, CEO of The Protective Group.

Second, make the best of it.

“On the other hand, I understand,” noted Miller. “If I had a $25-million bounty on my head, I would try to obtain the best protective product possible and get it between me and my enemies.”

Not exactly a textbook testimonial, but at least there’s no placement fee.

Hispanic scenario from mayoral poll?

Recently the Tampa firefighters union conducted its traditional mayoral poll. Only 436 out of the 1,889 registered voters contacted had an opinion — other than “undecided” — on the 2003 race.

But of those 436 political junkies, their preferences broke down this way: Tampa City Councilman Bob Buckhorn, 114; Hillsborough County Supervisor of Elections Pam Iorio, 98; former Hillsborough Chief Circuit Judge Dennis Alvarez, 97; City Council Chairman Charlie Miranda, 46; City Councilwoman Rose Ferlita, 40; Hillsborough County Commissioner Chris Hart, 24; and former Assistant Secretary of Transportation Francisco Sanchez, 17.

What this mainly means is that while it’s never premature for candidates to look ahead a political light year, a 2003 race is decidedly too far out for most voters. Thus, these poll results are mainly a function of early name recognition.

What it also indicates, however, is that while it surprises no one that Buckhorn tops this or any other early poll, any coalescing of Hispanic candidates — although problematic — could prove formidable. Even decisive. Especially in an election that historically draws less than 40,000 voters.

It’s in the mailNever let it be said that Tampa isn’t on some cutting edges. And no, we’re not talking face-scans, lap-dances and sneakercams.

Starting next month Tampa will be one of just three cities nationwide giving the Segway Human Transporter — aka “It” and “Ginger” — a formal, 30-day, 12-mph run. The much hyped, battery-powered, gyroscopic-stabilized scooters will help ferry Tampa mail carriers on their rounds.

The check may not be in the mail, and the mail may not arrive any sooner. But this could be fun to watch.

A tragic lessonAt the risk of piling on a tragedy, just one question regarding the terrible hunting accident that resulted in a Tampa man accidentally shooting and killing his 9-year-old son last month. Why wasn’t that child in school?

An excursion to see Harry Potter on school time is enough of a reach, but a parent taking a kid out of school for several days to observe deer hunting? That’s where the negligence began. Tragically, it didn’t end there.

Reno reaction ill-advisedJust when you think the Florida Legislature’s special session, also known as Fiscal Food Fight ’02, couldn’t get much more bizarre, it does. Thanks, in part, to Janet Reno. But even more thanks to Cuban-American legislators.

Nice touch. And great for the “cause.”

The unflappable Reno didn’t indicate if she were hissed-off or not by the walkout. Deep down, however, she had to know it couldn’t hurt.

Waytogo, Mario.

Sami Al-Arrant

For a guy who won’t talk to his hometown newspaper, Sami Al-Arian gets more coverage in the Tampa Tribune these days than Bob Buckhorn, Ronda Storms and Luke Lirot. Sami, the poster boy for guilt-by-terrorist-association and misunderstood rhetoric and erstwhile punching bag of Bill O’Reilly, is, along with Mrs. A-A, a regular ranter in the Trib’s letters to the editor and guest columns. They may not like their coverage by the Trib — indeed, Sami terms it “fascist” — but they should have no complaints about the availability of a forum.

Curious juxtaposition last Monday (Dec. 10), though, between the Trib and the St.Petersburg Times.

The Trib did a page one, top of the fold, Metro piece — with color photo — on Al-Arian’s speech in Largo at an Amnesty International event. The Trib quoted extensively from his presentation that excoriated the Israeli government for its “terrorist” policies and reproved U.S. Attorney General “J. Edgar Ashcroft” for his heavy-handed approach to Arab-Americans and Muslims. Etc. Etc.

Interestingly enough, sibling TV station WFLA, Channel 8 also covered it and did a lengthy piece on Al-Arian’s speech the night before.

As for the Times, it didn’t cover it, although it ran a wire piece with file photo on page three of City & State the following day.

Could it be that predictable Palestinian polemics from Al-Arian are, well, less newsworthy to the Times than to the newspaper Sami won’t talk to?

Not necessarily.

“We either missed it or ignored it and then thought better about it the next day,” said Neville Green, the Times’ managing editor/Tampa.

Handling Heisman hypeMuch of the annual media controversy over the Heisman Trophy can be easily reduced. Just change the eligibility criteria.

Being awarded to “The Outstanding College Football Player of the United States” is beyond broad. It invites controversy over offense and defense and hyped statistics piled up by non 1-A players. It also allows periodic bias toward underclassmen.

Here’s the new standard: “The best upper-classman/student athlete playing offense at the 1-A level.”

It means that the Heisman can truly represent the best in big-time college football, a sport too often beholden to commercial interests and double standards for impact athletes. It would officially encourage gifted players to continue through to their junior and senior years and attain something other than a degree of fame and/or fortune. It would preclude bogus students and criminals from being eligible.

By the way, Nebraska’s Eric Crouch was a wonderful choice. He may not be a great pro, but so what?

Drink to that?Amid all the reaction and over-reaction to more restrictive laws during a national emergency, there’s a tendency in some quarters to hunt for laws that may actually be eased. The Tampa Tribune found some, which could be “eased in the name of logic and liberty.”

The Trib, in a recent editorial, zeroed in on business regulations that only a bureaucrat could love and the federal tax code that gives byzantine a bad name. Here, here.

But what’s with easing off the legal drinking age of 21? Just because it used to be 18, which matches the dubious legal age for voting, is not rationale enough. If you can’t handle the responsibility to vote, then you don’t, which is the case with most 18-21 year olds. Or you vote the way your parents or social studies teachers suggest. Democracy survives and you learn as you go.

But if you can’t handle liquor responsibly at 18, the consequences can be horrific and tragic. Especially on the road. That’s why the age limit was raised from 18 to 21 in the first place. Moreover, when the legal drinking age is lowered to 18, the ages of those trying to pass for 18 is commensurately lowered. Logic — and human nature — should tell us that.

A legal drinking age of 21 is obviously not a panacea for eliminating teen-aged drinking. A societal sanctioning of 18, however, is an invitation. To disaster.

No one should want to drink to that.

Vested interestProduct placement is nothing new to American movie fans. The pricey practice has even given rise to ethical questions, such as those involving tobacco products. But it’s perfectly legal, of course, and can be an effective way to promote a product in a high-profile, even positive, context.