Another Fourth of July, another birthday, another year older.
But the United States, in comparison to our erstwhile sovereign, is, at 235, still a relative stripling. Still a work in progress. Still interpreting a Constitution written more than two centuries ago. Still trying to figure out where we fit in a world that might be tempted to settle for the sort of “absolute tyranny” embodied by King George III in 1776.
And still trying to keep our ultimate national holiday appropriately relevant, deferential and celebratory. Speeches, parades, flyovers, baseball games and family barbecues, bring ’em.
But here are some holiday rituals we could do without.
First, free-lance fireworks–notably at odd hours and not confined to July 4 by those who couldn’t name two signees of the Declaration of Independence if you spotted them George Mason. Most of us can tolerate the inconvenience of the inevitable sound track of the cluelessly inconsiderate, but it’s not fair to pets. In fact, it’s often traumatic. And, yes, I have more than one.
And speaking of Declaration signees, a recent poll by the non-profit Marist Institute for Public Opinion found that more than a quarter of those Americans surveyed didn’t know that the United States achieved its independence from Britain. Alas, this is eminently credible, given the embarrassing results reported last month by the Nation’s Report Card. Of all subjects assessed, history was the worst, with all of 12 percent of high school seniors demonstrating proficiency. And by all accounts, it gets no better later in life.
So, here’s a suggestion that would address both the mid-night, bottle-rocket crowd as well as provide possible incentive for those who are history challenged. How about a user’s test instead of the usual wink-and-nod regulations that now “govern” the sale of fireworks? If you think the first president was Pocahontas or that the United States won its independence from Halliburton, you are ineligible to buy 4th of July fireworks.
Second, whatever the occasion, when in doubt–or even close to doubt–please use a respectful recording of the Star Spangled Banner instead of permitting all manner of customized vocal versions–from too much soul or style or self-promotion to too little familiarity with the lyrics. But save that Roseanne Barr version for terrorist interrogations.
Third, no more celebs in Stars and Stripes bikinis or blankets. No matter how fetching.
And fourth, enough of the high-profile, nationally televised, live-from-Coney Island, Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest, even if it’s now gender equitable with a “Women-Only Pigout.” Even if it is ESPN’s highest-rated and most viewed program of the day. Even if it does sort of qualify as part of the “pursuit of happiness.”
Americans are pretty liberal with their patriotic backdrops, but can’t we draw the line with the guy (Joey Chestnut) who inhaled 62 hot dogs (six shy of his own world record) on Monday–and absorbed 20,000 calories–in 10 minutes?
But if there really must be this perverse salute to gluttony, could the promoters at least have the good taste, as it were, to not play the Star Spangled Banner at the end?
I just read your column in La Gaceta – thanks for mentioning the animals and fireworks. Being in the horse world, there are two days we dread – New Year’s Eve and 4th of July. You can bring your cats and dogs in the house, but the horses have to endure. They are flight animals and scare easily. With suburbia creeping into the rural areas, I wish they would get a clue about what harm they are causing. We shouldn’t have to sedate our horses so they can get through these periods without serious injury.
In addition, careless firing of bottle rockets, etc., have caused many fires – nothing like a still hot bottle rocket landing in a bale of hay.
Anyway, just wanted to thank you and let you know I appreciated what you wrote.