* “Sure, my reputation as ‘God’s Rottweiler’ and uber micro-manager was well-deserved. With that one exception.” — Pope Benedict XVI.
*”So, we’re doling out, what, about $3-4 billion a year to Israel — not counting commercial loan guarantees. They insult my veep. We seem to want peace more than they do. I’d rather deal with Glenn Beck than Bibi Netanyahu.” — President Barack Obama.
* “Frankly, we all wanted a single-payer health-care system. So, actually, it’s really not that big a f—— deal.” — Vice President Joe Biden.
* “So, if it’s cool to rally around an against-the-odds, black chess team because it celebrates diversity and undermines a stereotype, is it equally acceptable to root for a de facto underdog, all-white basketball team in the NCAA Tournament?” — Bill O’Reilly.
* “I’m a pragmatic, common-sense conservative, always have been. You can look it up. It’s on my brochure.” — Florida Governor and Senate candidate Charlie Crist.
* “Yeah, but it was a helluva back waxing.” — Florida Senate candidate Marco Rubio.
* “I view public service as a calling, something you do to try to help other people. And the more offices you run for, the more help you can be.” — Florida Governor and Senate candidate Charlie Crist.
* “I wouldn’t have hugged Obama, and I wouldn’t have embraced the stimulus money. But I would have taken it off-stage. This is the Great Recession and this is post-Ponzi Florida. I might be the glib poster lad for Tea Partiers, but I’m not stupid.” — Florida Senate candidate Marco Rubio.
* “What’s really the bottom line here? Whether you call ’em earmarks or earwax, they’re for my state and my constituents — who happen to like ’em. A lot. That’s all that matters.” — Florida Senate Candidate Kendrick Meek.
* “Candidly, I don’t think our ‘individual mandate’ suit has a snowball’s chance against the supremacy and commerce clauses — unless we mandate an ‘individual waiver.’ You know, ‘No insurance, no emergency room. I’m rolling the dice.'” — Florida Attorney General and Gubernatorial candidate Bill McCollum.
* “Don’t read too much into that (Orlando Sentinel reporter) apology of mine. It was a token gesture. Never forget, I always have my players’ backs, especially if an innocent, imprecise comment (such as a wide receiver saying UF will now have a ‘real’ quarterback when he meant ‘traditional’) makes a player look bad, especially if he is referring to Tim Tebow. Then it gets Twittered all over the country in an instant. And speaking of Tim, how ironic it will be when his successor, the — dare I say — rifle-armed, more ‘traditional’ John Brantley, is actually drafted higher than Tim. But don’t quote me on that.” — Urban Meyer.
* “My nominal dignity and what little is left of my shredded self-respect remain at issue. Better late than never. I resign.” — suspended Hillsborough County Administrator Pat Bean.
* “I only go to Hamburger Mary’s for the food.” — Brian Blair.
* “I know free agency looms, and I could cash in big with the Yankees. But, you know, I’m already rich, and I like it here and, well, I don’t want to help the Yankees buy another pennant at the expense of the Rays. It’s not fair. Book it. I’m a Ray for life.” — Rays’ All-Star outfielder Carl Crawford.
* “Actually, I don’t know how anybody roots for us. It’s like cheering for Goliath or Bernie Madoff.” New York Yankees’ shortstop Derek Jeter.
* “No one feels worse than I do. As a result, I’m giving all this money back.” — Pat Burrell, Rays’ high-priced, designated out.
* “Of course not. But I love the speculation.” — former Mayor Dick Greco.
* “This time I really like our chances of landing the (GOP) convention. There’s no post 9/11 sentiment for New York, we haven’t had any hurricane scares in a while, Phoenix and Salt Lake City can’t compete with a Super Bowl city in the nation’s biggest swing state and we no longer have Jeb Bush caring only about Miami.” — Al Austin.
* “Of course, I can get out of control. It’s my nature. But I’m not crazy. Notice I didn’t slap a brother. It was a middle class, white walk-on.” — Jim Leavitt, former head football coach, USF.
* “Too bad the TV blackout wasn’t last year. Fewer people would have seen awful football.” — Bucs’ co-chairman Joel Glazer.
**I know it was yesterday. Close enough. April Fool’s.