You reach a certain point in life – after having seen and done some things – such that you feel qualified to not just pass on advice – but to codify it into rules. Here are some – thanks to the internet – and courtesy of Microsoft billionaire and philanthropist Bill Gates and comedian millionaire and societal scold George Carlin.
Gates’ “Rules for Life” are aimed at high school students. Basically, it’s what they did not — and will not — learn in any classroom. To wit:
*Life is not fair. Get used to it.
*The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
*If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’til you get a boss.
*Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity.
*Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents’ generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
*Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employees are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
*Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.
Carlin’s acerbic, updated “New Rules for 2006” include, with some sanitization, these observations:
*Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
*Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull.
*If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.
*Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next? Competitive gas-passing? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”
*When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 months.” “He’s two” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese.
And here’s one more, this one attributed to the late holistic health guru, Dr. Bernard Jensen : “Life is short. Make it wide.”